Futurama

The Sorrow of Being Kif Kroker, Part 4
By Dwayne Anderson

The next morning, Kif sat on the couch at Planet Express watching television.

Suddenly, a commercial came on, showing a blonde woman's head inside a jar.

"Hello," she said, "I'm the head of Sally Struthers, actress, correspondance school spokesperson, and blimp. Are you in need of a new career?"

Upon hearing that, Kif began to listen carefully.

"Then you'll want to know about the Sally Struthers Job Retraining Correspondance Courses. Train in one of dozens of jobs and careers. Here are just a few: Accountant, Bookkeeper, Janitor, Doctor, Guy who looks important but nobody knows what he does, Finance Minister, Lawyer, Window Washer, Ferry Boat Captain, Yes-Man, Handsome guy who chats up all the women in the office, Legal Aide, Elevator Operator, Apprentice Mechanic, Nephew of the boss, Paper Clip Counter, Soda Pop Vending machine repairs, Junior Clerk who annoys people and puts you on hold, Computer Programmer, Rude Receptionist who doesn't give a damn, and a whole lot more."

By now, Kif's head was starting to ache from all that listening.

"It's real easy to start. All you need is your grade 6."

Upon hearing that, Kif turned off the television.

"Just my luck," he said, "I've never been to school before in my life!"

Back on board the Nimbus, Zapp was still waiting in his private chamber for a decent replacement for Kif.

"No one has come by yet," he said. "Isn't there anyone stupid enough for this job?"

Hours later...

"Still no one came," he said. "Oh well, I guess I have no choice but to go straight to Plan B!"

Kif trudges into the meeting room of Planet Express, covered in powdered cement.

Everyone seated at the table turned to face him.

"Kif?! Is that you?!" asked Leela.

Kif glares at her.

"I just said `Is that you?'" said Leela.

"Oh," said Kif, "I thought you said statue."

"How did your new job at the Concrete Factory go?" asked Amy.

"Not good," said Kif.

"Fired again?" asked Fry.

"Yeah," said Kif. "I need a shower now."

Later, Kif steps out of the shower and gets dressed. As he leaves the bathroom, he notices an interesting paper on a bulletin board.

Kif re-enters the meeting room.

"Excuse me," he said, "I can't help but notice a Help Wanted ad on the bulletin board. What's it for?"

"I need an assistant in my lab," said Farnsworth."

"Maybe that's the job for you Kif!" said Amy.

In Farnsworth's lab, the professor shows everything to Kif, including the Smell-o-scope.

"And one more thing," he says, "I'd like to show you my newest specimen."

He removes cloth covering a jar. Inside is a large clam.

"It's a clam," said Kif.

"Not just any old clam," said Farnsworth. "It's the Tampa Bay Farting Clam."

"What?"

"It gives off gas every once in a while," the professor explains. "In fact, the gas it emits can make an entire building uninhabitable for twelve hours. That's why I always keep it in a jar. So make sure to never touch the jar. Got it?"

"Yes professor."

"Alright. Now, for your first duty, I want you to start sweeping the floor. Once that's done, dust the room. Finally, water the plants."

"Yes professor."

As Farnsworth takes his leave, Kif begins to sweep the floor.

Meanwhile, the rest of the gang is watching television.

Suddenly, the door opens.

"Kif Kroker!" a voice booms out.

Everyone jumps in their seats.

Standing in the doorway is Zapp Brannigan.

"What are you doing here?" asked Fry.

"Where's Kif?!" asked Zapp. "I thought I would find him here!"

"In the lab," said Fry. "Why?"

Ignoring Fry, Zapp leaves.

"Why is he here anyway?" asked Leela. "You don't suppose he's here to take Kif back?"

"I hope so!" said Bender. "One weirdo working for us is enough! No offense Zoidberg."

"None taken," said Zoidberg. "Although, I resent the term `weirdo'."

"How about fish face?" asked Fry.

Everyone laughs, except Zoidberg.

Meanwhile, in Farnsworth's lab, Kif is sweeping the floor.

"This brings back so many memories," he said to himself.

The door opens.

"Kif Kroker!" yells Zapp.

Kif is so startled, he bumps his head under the table he's under. The jar containing the Tampa Bay Farting Clam falls over and the lid falls off. Next to it, is a bunsen burner.

"Captain...er, I mean Zapp, what are you doing here?" asked Kif.

"Kif, you're coming with me!" said Zapp.

"What?" asked Kif as he stood.

"I'm taking you back Kif!"

"But Zapp, I've been discharged!"

"That's already been taken care of. I've bribed the DOOP president to re-instate you, whether you like it or not!"

Kif was speechless.

"But didn't you find anyone to replace me?" he asked.

"Sure I did," said Zapp. "They're all reliable like you, just not any fun to boss around! Now put down that broom and let's go!"

Kif then noticed the clam next to the bunsen burner. He dropped the broom and ran out of the lab as fast as he could.

Zapp chuckled to himself.

"I've still got it!" he said.

Suddenly, the clam opens its shells and lets out a loud flatuent sound. An instant later, there is an explosion of natural gas that is heard throughout the building, and outside.

A man walking down the street nearby heard it.

"Hark! I hear the cannons roar!" he shouted.

Everyone else hears the resulting explosion.

"What the hell was that?" asked Bender.

"It came from the lab," said Leela.

"Oh no!" cried Amy. "Kif's in there!"

Suddenly, everyone smells the stench of methane gas.

"Whoa!" said Leela as she and everyone else pinches their noses shut. "What is that terrible smell?!"

Fry grins.

"Sorry, it was me!" he said. He smells himself. "Hold on! That was not me!"

Farnsworth runs into the room.

"We have to get out of the building now!" he said.

"But what about Kif?!" cries Amy.

"And Zapp?" asked Leela. "Oh, forget Zapp!"

Kif runs into the room. "Professor, I...!"

"No time to explain Kif!" said Farnsworth. "We must get out of here now!"

Later, everyone is outside the building.

"Zapp is still inside!" said Fry.

"He's a goner!" said Zoidberg.

No one notices Leela pump her arms up and down in delight.

Suddenly, the doors open again. Kif comes out dragging Zapp's body.

"He's out cold!" he said.

"He's looks like he's in terrible shape," said Amy.

"I must return him to the Nimbus," said Kif.

That night, the crew is at a hotel. They would have to spend the night here, due to the smelly situation at Planet Express.

The video-phone rings.

"I'll get it!" said Amy.

When she answers the phone, Kif's picture appears on the monitor. He was back in DOOP uniform.

"Amy, guess what! I'm back in DOOP! I've got my old job back!"

"Kif that's wonderful!" said Amy. "Now you can get your life back on track!"

"I finally got my big break!" said Kif. "No more getting fired from different jobs! In fact, I'm actually going to get paid for my services!"

As Amy continues to speak with Kif on the video-phone, Bender sulks and pouts.

"Damn it!" he said. "I can't believe this happened!"

"I'll say," said Farnsworth. "When we get back to Planet Express, I'll get rid of that clam!"

"No," said Bender. "I mean, I bet Zoidberg all the money I took from him that this wouldn't happen!"

"Alright, pay up Bender!" said Zoidberg.

Bender hands Zoidberg the cash.

"Easy come, easy go," he says to himself.

"I'm gonna go deposit this back into my bank account right now," said Zoidberg. He stands and walks out the door.

"By the way," Amy said, "how is Zapp doing since that accident?"

"He's fine," said Fry. "That explosion of natural gas took a lot from him: his trousers, lots of body hair, his future family, all gone."

Everyone else in the room laughs.

A little later Kif is seated on a chair next to Zapp's bed where the captain lay.

"It's good to be back captain," said Kif.

"Did I say you could rest yet?!" asked Zapp. "Fluff my pillows and tuck me in! And bring me the champagin!"

"That's champagne," said Kif with a smile. It sure was good to have his old job back.

Meanwhile, Zoidberg is on the street speaking into a payphone.

"Hello operator, can you get me the police? This is an emergency!"

A few rings later, a voice answers.

"Police department."

"Hello officer, I've just been robbed. A masked man took all my money and... hello? Is anyone there?"

"There's no one at the station right now. At the sound of a tone, leave a message. But if you wanna talk to a real person, press #1 on your touchtone phone."

Zoidberg pushes #1.

"Hello, Criminal Investigation here. If you are reporting a domestic crime, push #1. If you are reporting a parking violation, littering offense, or murder, press #2. If you're reporting a robbery or mugging, push #3."

Zoidberg pushes #3.

"Hello Robbery Division."

"Are you a real person?" asked Zoidberg.

"Of course I'm a real person."

"Finally! Listen, I wanna report a mugging..."

"But I'm not in at the moment."

Zoidberg groans.

"If you need immediate assistance, press #1 if you witness a robbery, #2 if you're the victim of a robbery, or if #3 if you are a robber."

Zoidberg pushes #2.

"Hello Robbery Victims."

"I was just robbed," said Zoidberg, "and..."

"If you were robbed by a man over six feet, press #1..."

The End