Futurama

Being Turanga Leela
By Max

(The scene starts with Fry sitting at a table with his date Lucy, she is blond and thin)

FRY: When I look at you Lucy, I see more than a blonde bimbo with a great body, I also see..... er,............... um, Ooh! Bread rolls! Pass me some bread rolls

LUCY: You aren't very good with words are you Phillip?

FRY: Hey, call me fry

LUCY: Why? That would be like calling me 'Hitler'

FRY: Right, sorry about that name by the way.

LUCY: Why does everyone keep saying that?

FRY: Didn't I ask for bread a minute ago?

LUCY: Who was that guy who gave you my number again?

FRY: You mean Bender? He got the number from your wallet

LUCY: Oh right the wallet inspector

FRY: Yeah

LUCY: So Fry, what do you do for a living?

FRY: Oh, what am I? I think it's an astronaut

LUCY: Really?! That's so cool!

FRY: Oh wait no, I'm a delivery boy, but I still get to go all around the universe

LUCY: Well, that must be fun

FRY: Not with Leela as your captain, Leela's a good captain though, and she has a nice body.

LUCY: Oh right, Who is this Leela you keep mentioning? Is she like an ex of yours or something?

FRY: Not exactly

LUCY: You're still going out with her?!

FRY: No, no! She.. I mean we, never went out

LUCY: Right. Wanna know what I do for a living?

FRY: Does it have to do with passing me the bread?

(The scene switches to Zoidberg on his way to Hermes' office)

ZOIDBERG: What could it be this time? Does he know about his missing files printed on sugar paper? Stupid deceiving paper names!

(Zoidberg walks into Hermes' office)

ZOIDBERG: I want my lawyer dammit!

HERMES: Relax Zoidberg, I'm just reminding you that the safety inspector is coming round next week and frankly, your office is a dump. You know they mark for tidiness and cleanliness as well these days don't you

ZOIDBERG: but there are so many other important things to do, I haven't fixed my slinky yet! That thing could poke someone's eye out!

HERMES: Did you poke yourself in the eye with the slinky again?

ZOIDBERG: Yeah, but expect him to deny it

HERMES: I've had enough of you arguing with your toys, just clean your damn office!

ZOIDBERG: Oh very well, maybe I'll get a raise? Hint hint

HERMES: If you're lucky, you'll keep your job, now get to cleaning!

(Zoidberg exits and walks offscreen to his room, we see Leela doing some work on the ship, Bender is helping)

BENDER: So how do you think Fry's date went with Lucy?

LEELA: He went out with HER? She was such a bimbo

BENDER: Someone's being awful judgmental for a person who dyes her hair with food colouring

LEELA: Sorry, I'm not in a very good mood today, the decorators called to say they wouldn't be able to install my window for another 6 months. Oh, and I do NOT dye my hair with food colouring, I don't dye it at all!

BENDER: Well someone took all the food colouring, it wasn't there when I was going to take it and sell it

(Zoidberg walks by with purple colouring around his mouth)

ZOIDBERG: Yes, a mystery that will never be solved

(Fry enters)

BENDER: Hey meatbag! You're here late.

FRY: Yeah, I had sex with Lucy

LEELA: Ugh, Fry...

FRY: What? Was I not specific enough?

LEELA: Oh never mind. Well if you had a good time, I'm guessing it wasn't for the conversation.

FRY: We had plenty of good conversations and I really like her! And she likes me too! A lot! We're going out again tomorrow.

LEELA: Right, before the drive thru closes I suppose

FRY: Oh don't be stupid Leela. Of course before the drive thru closes

BENDER: You humans and your pathetic love lives, You need a good socket to plug into. Well not you Leela, unless that's what you're into.

(Hermes enters)

HERMES: Ah good, I'm glad you're all back now you can make that delivery to Mars

LEELA: Could you be more specific?

HERMES: Fine, the bar, you know the only one on mars

FRY: Mars bar?

HERMES: Don't say that again, copyright infringement.

AMY: The mars bar? Cool! My parents own that! Just tell them Inez's daughter sent you, you'll get free drinks.

BENDER: well, that'll save me beating up the barman and stealing the booze, but hey, where's the challenge in that. Maybe I'll just ruff him up a little.

AMY: Can I go too Professor? Pleeaase!

FARNSWORTH: Oh my no, you have to stay here and wash my feet

AMY: Eww!

ZOIDBERG: Can I go? I've always dreamed of drinking, with friends.

HERMES: YOU have to stay here and tidy up your office

ZOIDBERG: Aww

(He walks off)

LEELA: Well we're just about ready to go, come on fry

FRY: O.k I'm ready

(They fly away. It switches to Zoidberg in his office trying to clean up)

ZOIDBERG: Stupid humans! Thinking they're better than me. Well who's the successful doctor, huh? That's right, me! And I'll make them see it! I'll become so successful that people will have to tell me why they stand in the corner and laugh at me.

(He opens a cupboard and papers and other rubbish come tumbling down on top of him, piling him underneath, Amy walks by and stops at the door)

AMY: You are SUCH a freak

ZOIDBERG: Help me! I'm stuck under a pile of stinking trash!

(We hear an eating noise)

ZOIDBERG: Wait leave me here

(His head comes out of the pile, he coughs up a picture-frame)

ZOIDBERG: Will you help me clean up?

AMY: For nothing? I think not, what's in it for me?

ZOIDBERG: My eternal loving friendship?

AMY: How about the opposite

ZOIDBERG: You want me to kill you? Well I suppose I could just pretend you were like one of my patients. Yap, yap yap 'Doctor, I fell into a volcano' Hey I didn't ask for your life story buddy!

AMY: Throw in $20 and it's a deal

ZOIDBERG: Twenty clams it is

AMY: I'm not falling for that again, I want money, not actual clams

ZOIDBERG: You drive a hard bargain.

(It cuts to them cleaning several things up, Amy opens a filing cabinet, and several bats fly out)

ZOIDBERG: My bats! Flappy! Jawsie! Nightshade! Sir Fangsalot! Bender! Zoidy Jr!

AMY: Forget your bats, how old is this filing cabinet anyway?

ZOIDBERG: Well I picked it up about a year ago from that dumpster shop outside the building, so many bargains! I buy all my stuff there!

AMY: Well if the inspectors are coming, its gotta go

ZOIDBERG: Very well

(Zoidberg helps Amy shift it out the doorway)

AMY: Hey, what's that?

ZOIDBERG (pointing to his leg) this? Why this is a scar I got in the great sand demon war of somethingity-whatever back on Decapo 10.

AMY: It just looks like sand to me

(Amy brushes the sand off his leg)

ZOIDBERG: It was just sand?! And now it's gone. I feel so naked!

AMY: Anyway fishbrains, I was talking about the door, the one behind where the filing cabinet was?

ZOIDBERG: hmmmm, I've never seen it before, and it's too small to stash a hefty stack of bodies.....

AMY: Maybe you shouldn't talk anymore

ZOIDBERG: You want me to sing?

AMY: I think one of us should look in the hole

(Zoidberg and Amy look at each other. It cuts to Zoidberg being forced into the whole by Amy with a broom stick as he is stuck, Amy finally forces him through)

ZOIDBERG: Ech! It's just some muddy tunnel

(He eats some mud)

AMY: How is it?

ZOIDBERG: A little dry. Not bad but I've had better

AMY: I mean the tunnel doofus

ZOIDBERG: There's some kind of bright light at the end of the tunnel, maybe heaven

AMY: Please, I've seen heaven in the movies. Its not all that

ZOIDBERG: Look at all these dead worms! All gone to waste!

AMY: Go to the end of the tunnel, there must be something hidden there.

ZOIDBERG: O.k I'm going

(He starts to crawl to the other end on the tunnel. Suddenly it seems to tip up vertically. Zoidberg falls down the tunnel into the bright light, he gets up to realise that he's in some sort of control room, with a large screen and metal tables and filing cabinets)

ZOIDBERG: This is like one of those doctor's surgeries people keep telling me about

(He looks up at the screen, which seems to be showing a view through someone's eyes. Or eye)

ZOIDBERG: My god! I'm in someone's head! It's less sticky than I thought it would be

(The view turns to show Bender and Fry sitting there drinking, we hear a voice on the speaker next to the screen)

VOICE(LEELA): Will you guys stop drinking! If we crash, Amy's parents will probably sue us for the supplies we lost, oh and you'd both die

BENDER: I think you've got a few things mixed up. I'm the one who has to have alcohol to keep running

LEELA: Oh right. Well then Fry, you stop drinking, your responsible for this ship as well as me you know

FRY: Uhhhhh... I need alcohol to keep running too

ZOIDBERG: My god! I'm looking through Leela's eyes! I can see and hear everything she does!

(The room starts shaking)

ZOIDBERG: What's going on?!

(A hole suddenly opens in the middle of the room. It sucks Zoidberg into it. He suddenly appears in the toilet of the PE ship, he walks out)

LEELA: Listen fry, I'm not going to believe a bunch of stupid....... Zoidberg! What are you doing on the ship?

ZOIDBERG: Uhhhhhhhh..... Going to the bathroom, thats what. Not that its any of your business young lady

LEELA: You weren't here in the first place

ZOIDBERG: What? I was here the whole time making conversation, didn't you notice me?!

(He puts his face in his claws and pretends to cry)

BENDER: Leela, it sounds like the toilets backing up, go and fix it

LEELA: No, its zoidberg

BENDER: Oh, well he's probably been there all this time, you know, acting insignificant and forgettable

LEELA: Well, I suppose you'd better come and sit dfown. Although I'm still sure you weren't here

ZOIDBERG:I was closer than you think

LEELA: You weren't in my underwear drawer looking for edible thongs again were you?

ZOIDBERG: Of course not! Why, do you have any?

(It draws out to see the ship fly away. It then cuts to fry on another date with Lucy)

LUCY: I think I might order the hobo this time, the hippie was dry

FRY: Pass the bread

LUCY: So fry, how've you been since our last date?

FRY: hungry

LUCY: I can't wait for you to meet my parents

FRY: What?! Meet your parents? If you'd have passed me the bread, I'd be spitting it out in shock by now

LUCY: Well we got on so well, I thought marriage was only so far away, so you might as well meet my parents

FRY: Oh, I get it, you're joking. I get it now

(Fry laughs, when Lucy continues to look at him seriously, fry's laughter drowns out nervously)

LUCY: There's nothing funny about the commitment you made to me Fry. I've applied for a marriage certificate online. I assumed you'd agree, so I found out your social security number, and all your other details with the use of a detective, and had you sign it too, there's no way you can get out of this marriage. Oh and by the way, I want a baby soon after we're married, so those tired old briefs are going in the bin

FRY: You're really starting to scare me now. I um..... I think we should break things off.

LUCY: You can avoid me as much as you want for now honey, but under law, now that 'you' have signed the contract, if your not at the church for our wedding, then you'll be hunted down and executed. K?

FRY: Lucy, I think you need to think things through before you have me murdered

LUCY: Ooh, look at the time. I've got an appointment to pick out a wedding dress. See ya honey! Oh and don't leave the country, because I can track you down. Kiss kiss.

(She walks out, it cuts to fry bursting into the PE office, where the whole crew is, apart from Zoidberg)

LEELA: That wasn't long. So how was your date with 'soulmate' Lucy?

FRY: Terrible! I'm getting married!

LEELA: This isn't just so she'd pick up the bill is it?

FRY: No! she didn't even do that!

LEELA: Fry, why are you getting married to her?

FRY: For some reason she's fallen in love with me. She found out all my deals and pretended to be me and signed both of our names on an internet marriage contract, that prevents me from getting out of the marriage! I didn't even know those existed

FARNSWORTH: Oh my yes. It was to stop FOX making shows on famous people's ex-wives

FRY: Well I don't want to marry her yet! What do I do?!

AMY: J'uh! I can easily hack a simple internet marriage death contract. Just lemme get on the computer

(It cuts to them all surrounding Amy, while she's on the computer)

AMY: O.k, I've withdrawn your name from the contract, now to get her banned from the site, so she won't try it again. What's her name?

FRY: Lucy Hitler

AMY: O.k........

(She types something in)

AMY: Aaaand.. she's banned. Lets do alittle research on this hitler girl, she seems a little weird, maybe she belongs to a cult.

(She types something else in)

AMY: Hey there's a news story on her. It says she escaped from a mental bubble three months ago!

FRY: Mental bubble?

FARNSWORTH: It was costing too much too build more asylums, what with everyone being crazy and all, so they were just put in a straight jacket, and placed in bubbles that orbited the earth, most of the bubbles floated into the atmasphere and the crazy people died.

FRY: What was she in there for?

AMY: She was convicted of the murders of her postman, her electrician, her milkman, and her operator

FRY: Seems strange

AMY: According to this court case transcription, she said her hearts were broken by all of them. Apparently she falls in love with all people she remotely knows.

FRY: Oh my god! So that was it!

AMY: Well you don't have to get married to her, but I wouldn't go outside for a while. This exact thing happened with all her past victims

FRY: Wow, this is like a thriller! And its usually the person who discovers her madness that survives and is the hero!

BENDER: Nope, they always die. Its usually their brave and shiny-assed friend who saves the day.

FRY: God I'm going to have to stay in for weeks until she's caught and just watch tv! I'll become an idiot!

(The crew walks out of the room, except Amy who is still on the computer)

AMY: Well, better check the company e-mail

(She clicks and types some stuff)

AMY: Hey, someone sent Zoidberg e-mail, that's a first. Well, there's no harm if I look its probably just chain-mail.

(She clicks onto his e-mail and starts to read it)

AMY: Dear Dr. Zoidberg. I was very intruiged by your ad. Could I arrnage a meeting so I could get an appointment to 'go through the tunnel and become a new person' Yours sincerely, Brad Losera

(Amy makes an agry face, and walks into Zoidberg's room)

ZOIDBERG: Amy! I wasn't expecting you. You look angry, pull up a rock

AMY: No, I'll stand

(The phone rings, zoidberg quickly picks it up)

ZOIDBERG: (On the phone) Oh hi...... Uncle Zoid, you saw my ad..... of how much I miss you? You want to book an appointment? Well i'm afraid I'm all booked up with....... Uncles until Tuesday, yes you can come then uncle. Because someone who might take money from me is here, and i'm cleverly fooling her by making her think you're a relative. Yes, i miss you too, bye.

(He puts down the phone)

ZOIDBERG: You were saying?

AMY: You never did tell me what was at the end of that tunnel, did you zoidberg

ZOIDBERG: Oh, just some rotting fish

AMY: Oh please! Cram it crabby! I know you're holding out on me! I read one of you re-mails. What happens when you get to the end of that tunnel! Tell me, or I'll get Hermes in here!

ZOIDBERG: O.k o.k. You get inside Leela's head, and if you have enough concentration, you can control her actions a little

AMY: No way! You have got to be kidding!

ZOIDBERG: No, this is as real as my medical degree

(He smiles nervously)

AMY: This is my chance! My chance to break away from living off my parent's fortune and being known as 'those rich guys' daughter'. Now I can make my own fortune! I'll be famous! And I'll have enough of my own money to support me and Kiff, so he can leave that stupid job!

ZOIDBERG: Fifty fifty?

AMY: oh right, as though I'd let you have half. We'll split it 75/25

ZOIDBERG: Wow! I'd be making even more money! You've got a deal!

AMY: Now remember, Leela must absolutely not know about this.

ZOIDBERG: Absolutely

(Hermes sticks his head around the door)

HERMES: Zoidberg, the crew are going on an overnight mission, you need to go with them, in case anything goes wrong

ZOIDBERG: you're trusting me with medical responsibilities?

HERMES: No, but if the ship crashes, the crew might run out of food, and....... well, just get to the ship

(Zoidberg gets on the ship wearing his pyjamas and a night-hat)

HERMES: Your not going to sleep straight away, you salt water dolt!

ZOIDBERG: What? This is my casual wear

AMY: Bye Zoidberg have a good journey

HERMES: Don't encourage him, he'll try to be your friend next

ZOIDBERG: Yes Amy, and you have a financially profitable stay here

HERMES: What?

FARNSWORTH: Shut up valued employees! Its time for you to leave.

AMY: Well looks like I've got everything under control here. I'll be in zoidberg's room, uhhh... cleaning it

HERMES: Its clean

AMY: Not totally

(She walks away, the ship starts to lift off)

FRY: Leela did you remember to bring my pyjamas?

LEELA: Fry, I'm not your mother, bring your own pyjamas

FRY: Oh, can I share yours?

LEELA: Just shut up fry.

(The ship flies away. It cuts to zoidberg's room, there is a large queue running outside it, Amy helps one person into the tunnel after taking their money. Hermes walks in the door and amy hides the money behind her back)

HERMES: Amy, don't you think this is rather a lot of visitors? And why are they in Zoidberg's room? This place stinks of fish bones

MAN IN QUEUE: Are you here for the experience?

HERMES: The what? I work here!

MAN IN QUEUE: Hey, no cutting in line!

HERMES: Line for what? Who are you people?

AMY: I think you'd better go take a lie down Hermes

HERMES: (walking out mumbling) Labarbara has said I've been working a lot lately, perhaps I should take a vacation or something

AMY: O.k people! No more screw ups like that, if anyone here finds out, then NONE of you are getting the experience!

(The people all apologise and mumble quietly, Amy shows the next person into the tunnel. It cuts to the PE ship)

LEELA: O.k, we need a new battery pack for the gear stick, I'll just go and........

(She turns around to see a crowd of people struggling out of the toilet)

LEELA: Who are all of you?!

MAN: *Gasp* Look! Its 'the experience' she's real!

LEELA: I don't know how you all got on here but you're all going to have to leave!

WOMAN: And look! Its the metal one, and the one of many red hairs! The ones we watch through the experience's eyes!

(They all bow down in praise)

LEELA: Bender, did you forget to set stowaway-traps again?

BENDER: I'll do it tomorrow

(There is a flash in the bathroom and another person walks out)

MAN: the experience! She's here!

LEELA: Wait a minute, I checked in there, and it was empty! How did you get in there?

MAN: The experience, if I concentrate I can control you! Why is it only fifteen minutes long?!

LEELA: Your crazy! What are you doing here!

WOMAN: Look! The founder! There he stands!

(the woman points to Dr. Zoidberg, who looks around nervously)

LEELA: Zoidberg do you know what they are talking about?

ZOIDBERG: Perhaps you are a god to them? Not that I had anything to do with it

MAN: What does it feel like when we're inside?

LEELA: Inside what?! I don't have any idea what you're talking about?

MAN: Inside your head of course 'Lee-la'

(Leela looks shocked and faints. It switches to at the PE offices, there is one more customer left)

AMY: Well, your the last one, do you have an appointment?

LUCY: Oh yes, I made one with Dr. Zoidberg

AMY: O.k, and your name?

LUCY: Lucy Hitler

AMY: Hmm, sounds familiar, well, give me yourt payment and your ready to go

LUCY: (As she gives Amy the money) This is the Leela that knows Phillip isn't it?

AMY: Who?

LUCY: Phillip fry

AMY: Oh fry, yeah its her, make sure not to tell her if you see her

LUCY: I won't. So whats it like being the head of a big business?

AMY: Oh its great! Theres no hassle with this business, I just make Dr. Zoidberg do all the work

(Lucy laughs)

AMY: so what do you do for a living?

LUCY: I'm a puppeteer, I control things

AMY: Uh, sounds........ um.... tunnels ready!

LUCY: Thank you Amy, your name will be remembered for this

(She crawls into the tunnel)

AMY: Freak

(It cuts to on the PE ship, Fry and zoidberg are fanning Leela, she wakes up and looks around, then smiles)

LEELA: Hello Dr zoidberg

FRY: Leela! Your awake! Its me fry!

LEELA: I know who you are Phillip

FRY: Yeah, I know you do 'Toronga'

ZOIDBERG: I can explain Leela! It was all Amy's idea! I wanted to stop! Stop the tunnel in my room that goes to Leela's head I said! But no, she said! We've got to carry on for the money!

BENDER: We dropped all the stowaways off on a meteor, don't worry you won't be seeing them again

FRY: Do you need anything Leela?

LEELA: Please, call me Lucy

(Fry looks at her oddly)

LEELA: Didn't you hear me properly? I said call me Lucy

FRY: Uh, are you feeling o.k Leela?

LEELA: Leela isn't my name Phillip! Now tell me why I can't get onto the marriage contract site, huh?

FRY: Lucy..... hitler?!

LEELA: That's right Phillip, I WAS your darling fiancée, but you've missed that chance now, you tried to escape like all the others, if I'm not having you, no-one is!

(She picks up a fire axe from a case near the door and swings it at Fry, he screams and dodges)

FRY: Bender! Fly back quick! Zoidberg call back home, there must be something you can do!

BENDER: Fly? Well, O.k

ZOIDBERG: Right away sir!

LEELA: You'll be dead by the time anyone gets to you Phillip!

(She takes another swing)

FRY: Listen (dodges axe) Lucy, why don't (Dodges axe) we sit down and have a little (Dodges axe) talk about this

LEELA: You had your chance to talk Fry!

(Back in the PE office Amy's video phone rings, she picks it up to see Zoidberg)

AMY: Zoidberg, what do you want? The last customer just went in

ZOIDBERG: Amy, you have to help! Its Lucy hitler, somehow she got in the tunnel!

AMY: Yeah I remember her, I let her in, she'd booked an appointment, why? Whats wrong?

ZOIDBERG: Did she pay?

AMY: Yeah, I think she payed a little extra

ZOIDBERG: Ooh!, how much extra?

AMY: Zoidberg, whats wrong!

ZOIDBERG: she's trying to kill fry with Leela's body for some reason!

AMY: Oh my god! Hitler! I just remembered who she was!

ZOIDBERG: Do something, that battery on this phone is runing....

(The line cuts off. Amy puts her phone down , and crawls into the tunnel. It cuts back to the ship, where Leela(Lucy) chases Fry with an axe)

BENDER: (Laughing) Look at him run!

(Zoidberg walks out)

ZOIDBERG: I've called amy

FRY: Is she going to help?

ZOIDBERG: I don't know, but the good news is Lucy paid extra!

LEELA: Ha! That chinese bimbo can't help you now!

(It switches to inside Leela's mind, where amy appears)

AMY: Chinese bimbo huh?

(Lucy turns around, looking suprised)

LUCY: You! Well theres nothing you can do now!, I now control Everything in Leela's mind!

(She telepathically lifts Amy up and smacks her against the wall)

AMY: You are totally dead if I've got brain juice on this sweater

LUCY: I think I'll just keep you there for now, your obviously no threat, you were better off leeching off your parents Wong!

(Lucy laughs, Amy gets angry and suddenly spits in Lucy's face)

LUCY: Ahh! My eyes! I can't see!

AMY: You've lost control now!

( a large hole opens up in the middle of the room, it sucks Amy and Lucy through, they appear on the ship, Lucy has fainted, amy carries her out of the bathroom)

AMY: One psycho ex-fiancée!

(Leela suddenly shakes her head and blinks)

LEELA: What happened? Amy? What are you doing here? Who's that?

AMY: Thats Lucy, its a long story

LEELA: Why, why were there people in my head?

AMY: There was a tunnel that lead to your mind

LEELA: what?! Was this your idea zoidberg?

(Zoidberg cowers)

AMY: And mine Leela

BENDER: Well, now thats over, why don't we all go into Leela's head and play around a little

AMY: No, I'm closing the tunnel

LEELA: How? Its always gonna be there! And I'll always remember you let people into my head!

AMY: It was kind of a mess Leela

ZOIDBERG: You can't close the tunnel! I was going to adopt my own young! What am I going to do for a meal now?!

AMY: Zoidberg shut up

(It cuts to later at the PE office, Zoidberg and amy are in his room)

AMY: Well here's the takings for 'the experience' $80,000

ZOIDBERG: Great, now let me have my 25%

AMY: I think you know what we have to do with this money zoidberg

ZOIDBERG: Buy large amounts of food for me?

AMY: Whats your second guess?

(They walk into the lounge where Leela is sitting)

AMY: Leela, we think this money belongs to you, its the takings from your head

LEELA: My god, theres thousands of dollars there! I don't want this money, it came from corrupting and exploiting me!

AMY: Please Leela we've cemented the tunnel shut, just take the money it belongs to you

LEELA: Well, I was thinking of having a second window installed, this would definitely cover it, and I could buy the fancy pet food for nibbler! Well, I suppose I forgive you

AMY: Thanks. Even if you were happy with the idea, I was gonna close the tunnel down anyway, it was too dangerous with people like Lucy around, even if she is back in ail now

(Leela hugs amy)

AMY: Ugh, with all that extra money, maybe you'll be able to buy a decent perfume too

ZOIDBERG: If Nibbler doesn't like that pet food, just give me a shout.