Futurama

Good Delivery to Die
By Nasteve

Scene: PE meeting room. It’s morning and everyone is gathered for today’s meeting. Everyone stops chatting when the Professor enters with a long box under his arm.

Professor: Good news everyone! We have a very important package to deliver to Compost 9, the farm planet.

Fry: You mean the whole planet is a giant farm?

Professor: Well, almost. 98 percent of the surface is used to farm something. Farm planets provide food for several worlds and stop places like Earth from smelling like horse-

Sound of glass smashing

Bender: Crap! I dropped my beer!

Leela: What are we delivering?

Professor: I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to discuss that. The contents of this box are (hushed) Top Secret.

Leela: (sceptical) Top Secret?

Professor: What? Oh no, not top secret, the other thing. Oh what’s the word I’m looking for? Bender, help me out.

Bender: Illegal?

Professor: (smiling) That’s the one! (pause) Off you go!

Leela: (as she stands up) Come on, Nibbler.

Nibbler perks up from his basket where he was napping and eagerly runs after Leela. The Planet Express ship takes off and zooms up into space.

PE ship Bridge. Everyone is where they usually sit.

Fry: What do you think we’re delivering?

Leela: I think it’s probably a farming implement like-

Bender: Porno!

Leela: I doubt it, it’s rectangular so it’s got to be a-

Fry: Ray gun!

Leela: You know, I’m going to stop taking part in these guessing games if you insist on interrupting me with stupid comments. (exasperated) damn!

Fry: Take it easy, Leela.

Leela: I’m sorry, I just can’t believe how long this is taking. (she gestures out the window in front).

Fry: We need to do something to pass the time.

Leela: How about I put on the radio?

Bender: No, let’s play blackjack!

Fry: No, let’s play naked hide and seek!

Bender: You say that as if there was another way to play it.

Leela: (ignoring Fry and Bender) Come ON! What are you afraid of? There’s acres of space!

Pull back to shot of the ship going through space. A large queue is forming behind the ship and in-front of Leela, holding everyone up is a very slow-moving space tractor.

Leela: (speaking over her shoulder) They really shouldn’t allow these things on the highway.

The ship eventually reaches the planet. There are only a dozen large cities on the entire world. The rest of the land is countryside and large farms, some dozens of miles long. The ship reaches one farm house with a few large barns and some stables nearby.

Outside the farmhouse it’s dusk. Leela, Bender and Fry depart the ship. The sky is red and it is eerily quiet. Fry is carrying the package. They walk to the door and Leela rings the bell.

Leela: (singing quietly) Babadada babadaa.

There is no answer. Leela looks around and rings again.

Bender: What’s this jerk’s problem?

Fry: Maybe he’s out?

Leela: He can’t be. (starts knocking the door) Hello!? Delivery for Mr. Payne!

Bender: Ah, let’s just leave it here and go.

Leela: (yelling) Hello? (angry) How irresponsible! I can’t believe he just left when he knew he was expecting a package!

Bender: Well it was due to be delivered 6 hours ago.

Leela is getting frustrated and paces towards a window to peer in.

Fry: Leela let’s just leave the box and go. It’s creepy here.

Leela: (still browsing for activity) We can’t just leave it. What if someone stole it? He needs to sign for it or we’ll be responsible for whatever happens to it.

Bender: Look around, Leela. The nearest city is hundreds of miles away. We’re in the middle of nowhere. The only person who’s likely to steal anything, is me!

Leela: It doesn’t matter. We need a signature. Maybe he’s around here.

Leela walks off to explore the rest of the farm buildings.

Twenty minutes later, the sky is almost completely dark and Leela’s wrist thingy is glowing green to help them see. Leela looks very grumpy.

Leela: Come on, let’s go. We’ll have to leave a note saying we were here.

Leela puts a note on the front door that says: “You were visited by Planet Express but you weren’t here, so we didn’t deliver your package. Planet Express hereby petitions you cease being a jerk, jerk.”

They return to the ship. The lights on the bridge make the windows black and reflective. Leela turns the key in the ignition but the engines won’t start.

Leela: (shutting her eye as if feigning tears) Oh, come on!

She tries again but still nothing.

Leela: (checking) We have plenty of fuel. (while getting up) I’m going to see what’s wrong with the engines.

Leela leaves the bridge.

Fry: Man, I hope we’re not stuck here long, this place is boring.

Bender: You said it.

Pause.

Bender: Want a drink?

Fry: Yeah!

PE Ship Engine Room. About half an hour later. Leela is resting her arms on her hips after finishing inspecting the engines.

Leela: (talking to herself) I don’t understand it. The fuel injector is clear. The dark matter chamber is running smoothly. There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong. (talking to ship) Computer? Can you detect any damage to the engines?

Ship: Negative.

Leela: (quizzing) Then why can’t we take-off?

Ship: The Dark-matter energy field is being suppressed.

Leela: (surprised) What? Why didn’t you just tell me that to start with?

Ship: You never asked.

Leela: So what’s suppressing the field?

Ship: I’m sorry, Leela, I can’t tell you.

Leela: Why not?

Ship: Because I don’t know.

Leela: (sighs) Ugh.

PE Ship Bridge. Fry and Bender each have a drink in their hands as Leela walks in on them. There are a few empty bottles standing on the floor. Fry has an ‘Uh-oh’ expression.

Leela: Fry! I can’t leave you for half an hour can I? I’m trying to fix the ship and you’re sitting here drinking yourself stupid!

Fry: (little tipsy) Hey, Leela! (catching up) What?

Bender: Did you fix the ship?

Leela: No. It seems to be fine- Stop drinking, Fry!

Fry: (impatient) What? My job’s already over now anyway. (leans back in his chair and rests his hands behind his head) Once the package is delivered, lost or abandoned my destiny is fulfilled.

Fry stares ahead with the solemn, quiet dignity of a true delivery man.

Leela: But none of those things have happened to the package, it’s under your feet!

Fry glances down at the box propping up his legs.

Fry: (expression still dignified) huh.

Leela: Anyway, I’m gonna need both your help finding out what the problem-

Fry: (interrupting) Did you here that?

Leela: (listens for a moment) …What?

Fry: There’s something outside!

Leela: Don’t be stupid, Fry. It’s just your imagination. That beer’s obviously gone to your head already.

Fry: No. I mean it.

Bender: (a little anxious) Hey, I think I heard it too.

The bottles of beer on the floor jingle slightly. Small vibrations can barely be felt. Leela is starting to take the pair a little more seriously, but refuses to get excited.

Leela: Calm down, it’s just your mind playing tricks on you-

Just as Leela is ending her sentence, the sound of what could be a faint roar can just be heard in the distance.

Fry: (panicky) Oh my god! It’s a dinosaur!

Leela: (trying very hard to stay in control of the situation) Stop it, Fry! You’re acting like a kid.

Bender: He’s right, there’s something outside! Do something, Leela!

Leela: (slowly) There’s nothing outside. It’s just the wind. Now both of you, chill. If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll go get my laser. (she holds up her hands as if calling for calm) But there is nothing to worry about.

Leela walks out of the bride and down to her room. She steps inside and leans over to open one of her drawers to get her gun. As she removes it, just as she glances up, she sees something large appear to glide past the window. She jumps in shock. It happens so quickly she isn’t even sure she really saw it but, scared, she runs out of the room quickly.

Leela hurriedly re-enters the bridge, looking a little spooked.

Fry: (worried) Leela, what is it?!

Leela: (covering fear) N-nothing. I thought I heard you say my name.

Bender: (yelling) AHH! There it is! (he waves a trembling arm at the window behind Leela)

Leela whips around pointing the gun but can’t see anything out the window.

Leela: Where?

Bender: It’s gone! I just saw a big yellow eye!

Fry: Turn off the lights, quick!

Leela: What?

Fry: It was in Jurassic Park! It’s attracted to the lights! Turn them off!

Leela sits in the pilot seat and turns off the ships lights from the console. The whole bridge goes dark save for a few dim glows coming from some of the most important console buttons. There is a moment of tense quiet.

Leela: (as if she did what Fry suggested through reason rather than paranoia) Okay, with the lights off we should be able to see what’s going on outside. Bender take a look.

Bender: (Bender folds his arms determinedly) No way! You look.

Leela: (scowls Bender) I’m gonna try the ignition one more time, okay?

She tries to start the ship but it won’t catch, the ship jolts suddenly and the hull screeches.

Fry: Ahh, what was that!?

Leela: I don’t know! I-I think it was the engine.

Bender: It’s a monster!

Leela gets up cautiously and slowly walks towards the port window, gun in hand. She slowly looks around. All she can see is a dark landscape and some stars. Nothing is moving. She edges around examining the front and then starboard windows. The camera shows her perspective but there is nothing outside.

Leela: I can’t see anything out there. (resuming the role of strong leader) Okay, we’re not going to be able to leave tonight. It’s too dark to go outside and examine the engines exterior so we’ll have to wait until morning. (looking at her wrist thing) Now it’s getting late, I suggest we all go to our beds and get some sleep.

Bender: What about the monster?

Leela: There is no monster. It’s all in your heads. (she switches on the lights as she says this. We can see that Fry and Bender are both shaking in their chairs, hugging their knees.)

Fry: (tentatively) Leela?

Leela: What?

Fry: (small voice) Can I sleep in your bed?

Leela: No.

Bender: Leela?

Leela: What?

Bender: (small) Can I sleep in your bed?

Leela: No! We’re each sleeping in our own beds, there’s nothing to be afraid of!

Bender: Well can I at least have the gun?

Leela: No!

Bender: Why not? What do you need it for? If you’re not worried about any monsters?

Fry: Yeah!

Leela glares at Fry, Fry shrinks back down.

Leela: This is my gun, and it’s staying with me. It’s dangerous. Now stop being such babies and go to your beds!

Cut to inside Fry and Bender’s cabin. Bender is boarding up the portholes.

Fry: Maybe Leela’s right, maybe there is nothing out there.

Cut to Leela’s cabin. She shuts the door and hurries over to her porthole and draws the curtain over it. She gives a sigh of relief and changes into her pajamas. She then safety’s her laser but doesn’t put it in the drawer. She climbs into bed with it and turns off the lights.

Leela: (hushed) Here, Nibbler, here boy. (she pats the bed)

Nibbler gets out of his basket and hops up onto the bed cover, curling up close to Leela.

Cut to outside. In the forest nearby a faint roar echoes around the landscape.

To Be Continued.