Futurama

New Year’s Nightmare
By Mitch

Futurama created by Matt Groening. Developed by Matt Groening and David X. Choen. Owned by Twentith Century Fox Film Corporation. Used without permission.

Susan and her parents created by Mitch.

The anti-robot stance of Susan's father does not represent the opinion of the author.

Act I

(Fade-in. Establishing shot, waterfront of New New York, morning. Fry and Bender are walking to work. We hear the CLANKS and WRRRS of machinery. They pause and look at something further out the waterfront. The camera pans back to reveal aquatic cranes, machines with giant claws, and helicopters carrying material for construction. They are assembling, in record speed, a large, dome-shaped building off the dock. Cut back to Fry and Bender.)

Fry: Say, Bender, what’s goin’ on?

Bender: (hand to “chin”) Hmmm. Fry, I think it’s…

(a helicopter carrying a large sign places it on a side of the building facing the waterfront. It reads “Lobster Dome—Grand Opening”)

Bender: (excited, arms in air) Woo! The Lobster Dome! I heard about this place! It’s a seafood place that’s gonna be so fancy and pricey that it’ll make Elzar’s look like a soup kitchen!

(They resume walking to Planet Express)

Fry: Wow! That’s pricey! Too much for me, though. Just as well, since Leela’s been so distant lately…

Bender: Why does that bother you? You were never really with her in the first place.

Fry: (a bit annoyed) Well, it’s like there’s something on her mind that she’s not sharing. That’s just not like her.

Bender: Yeah, she would say whether she was tired of you bugging her. As fer me, I’ve got the woman of my dreams and she’s never once tried to change me!

Fry: It’s been months; you haven’t dumped her yet!

Bender: (pauses) Hey. Yer right. (Beat) I’m scared.

(Cut to Planet Express building, day. Cut to interior shot, lounge. Leela is at the monitor. She dials and her parents, Munda and Morris, appear on the screen as an insert.)

Leela: (a bit excited) Well, Mom, Dad, this is it! I’ll try it tonight.

Morris: Ah, go for it, Leela. You could do a lot worse. I just don’t see why you didn’t tell him long ago.

Leela: Well, I didn’t really think about it until this year.

Munda: Well, ask him quickly, before he makes other plans.

Leela: I doubt that he will, but okay.

(Cut to conference room, everyone is seated except the Professor, who’s standing. Susan, the pony-tailed fem-bot with a human mind, is also there.)

Professor: I assume everyone’s excited about our office New Year’s party.

Most of the staff: Eh, I guess, maybe…

Leela: Oh, yeah. Uh, Professor, I’m afraid I can’t be here tonight. I…sort of have a date.

Fry: (surprised) I didn’t know you were seeing someone.

Leela: Well…it’s our first, actually. In fact, I was going to ask him out tonight.

Professor: Well, in that case, you’ll have to hurry with today’s delivery.

Fry: (surprised again) We have a delivery? I thought we were having the day off!

Professor: Well, this was pretty urgent. In fact, it’s so urgent; I had to rent another ship.

Leela: But our usual ship gets us from one end to the universe to here within days.

Professor: Yes, but you’ll need to go much faster today. Now, follow me.

(Cut to the engine room, a few hours later. Fry, Leela, and Bender are behind the Professor, but he went so slowly, they look like they wish they went ahead of him)

Professor: Now, get a buldgy eyefull of…

(We pan to see a large ship, similar to the stealth bomber, but with larger engines and mechanical arms)

Professor: (continuing) The all-purpose Stealth-Mech! I got it on loan from the DOOP surplus store!

Fry: (in awe) Cool!

Bender: (ditto) I’m in lust!

Leela: (doubtful) Isn’t it a little bulky to be fast?

Professor: Of course! That’s why the ship is installed with a unit that decreases its mass so it can go faster!

Leela: I don’t see how that…Oh, never mind. I gave up trying to understand these explanations a long time ago.

Bender: Well, you guys have fun!

Fry: Bender? You’re not going?

Bender: As much as I’d love ta risk my life again, I’m going ta see Susan’s parents to get their approval of me.

(Susan arrives and takes Bender’s arm)

Susan: Dad has something against my choice of lifestyle, but I think Mr. Tall, Silver, and Rugged here can win him over.

Fry: Good luck. For me, though, my parents were just glad for me to be with a woman.

Leela: Wait, I can’t use my date to get out of this, but you can?

Bender: Hey, people know what you two do. I’m usually along for the ride or a paycheck.

Susan: You two have fun. If all goes well, we’ll see our own “stars” tonight!

(She takes Bender away and we hear them giggling)

Leela: Well, I wouldn’t want Fry to do this alone, but how different are the controls from the usual ship?

Professor: Oh, the same except more complicated.

Leela: (whispers, to Fry) And we rescued him from the rest home?

(Cut to establishing-shot of near-Earth space, the Stealth-Mech heads into the great unknown. Cut to the cockpit, which is so detailed that you would expect a Neptunian to drive it with all four arms being busy. Leela is seated and is handling it okay. Fry is holding the cargo.)

Fry: (thinking) Well, at least I can have some time alone with Leela before her date tonight.

Leela: I have to concentrate on the flying and the Professor said to defend the package, so I guess you’ll have to arm yourself and look over it in the cargo bay.

Fry: (thinking) Rats. (Aloud) What is the package anyway?

Leela: I don’t know. The Professor’s gone back to being mysterious about what we’re delivering. He said that we were more careful back in our first year, when we didn’t know what was in the package.

Fry: Gotcha! I’ll defend it with my life!

Leela: Okay. I just want to get done in time for my date. I don’t see why we couldn’t wait a day or so to deliver this, though.

Fry: Maybe it’s perishable…like us.

Leela: Fry, not all of our missions are that dangerous and there’s no reason this one will put us in harm’s way.

(Cut to exterior of Stealth-Mech. The ship passes a signpost reading “Welcome to the Agony Zone”.)

(Cut to establishing shots of Earth, New New York, and finally, a little red house made mainly of modest plastics. Bender and Susan approach the door)

Bender: Pretty old fashioned. I guess your parents aren’t rich, huh.

Susan: They make do. I always thought they should invest in artificial metals, but hey.

(Bender knocks on the door. A stout man with little hair, a t-shirt and jeans, and a stern face answers the door)

Man: Honey! One of those…things is at the door!

(He’s handed a broom and whacks it on Bender)

Susan: Dad! Stop! It’s my new boyfriend!

Man: (still whacking) This guy? Oh, Susan…

Bender: Uh, you can stop now.

(A woman with a small frame, messy blond hair, a red vest and skirt, and a somewhat dazed look appears behind Susan’s dad)

Woman: (Brooklyn accent) Marty? Are the owls gone?

Marty: No Meg, it’s that…”guy” Susan’s dating.

Meg: Oh, let him come in! We have biscuits.

Bender: Got LoBrau?

Meg: Heaven’s no! Those ads with the women in bikinis that weren’t even legal in the 2980s? That just isn’t right! We do have a good supply of W. Bush, though.

Act II

(Cut to the Stealth-Mech flying through the Agony Zone)

Leela: (to herself) Hmmm. This is a surprisingly uneventful place. I wonder…is this trip going to go without a hitch for once? That would be great, especially considering my plans for the evening. (She looks at her wristband and checks the time) It’s going to be a perfect night after all.

(Cut to the cargo bay. Fry, armed with a neutrino-rifle, is pacing back and forth like a sentry)

Fry: (to himself) I was looking forward to having a minute with Leela at the party tonight. Oh, well; story of my life. Funny, she’s never gotten out of a company party with a date before. She seems really determined about this one, so I’ll just stay out of her way when we get home. Maybe I’ll just do a good job guarding the package and she could at least compliment me. I guess Bender’s the lucky one, he’s found the love of his life and it’s going without a hitch.

(Cut to the modest, mid-2900s furnished dining room of Susan’s family. Everyone is sitting down and having dinner. Susan’s mother looks happy, Susan looks a little uncomfortable, Bender looks really uncomfortable, as Susan’s dad keeps giving him nasty looks.)

Meg: So, Mr. Rodreguiz, what do you do for a living?

Bender: Well, I get paychecks from a delivery company I sort of hang out at. Then, there’s my computer dating service. I was an Ultimate Robot Fighter, the agent of Turanga Leela when she was in the Mets, the winner of an Iron Cook tournament, the Pharaoh of a planet once…and I think there’s some more. Did I mention I toured with Beck?

Dad: I hear a lot of past tense here. What have you done lately?

Bender: Well, I’ve been seeing your daughter. You hafta be proud. She’s rude, vain, has a criminal record, and has got great servos…

Marty: (interrupts) Look, you will not talk about our daughter that way…even though I have no idea what you’re getting at…

Susan: Dad, that’s his way of complimenting me! Look, can you put your prejudices aside for tonight? (Whispers to Bender) He’s been like this since Mom’s Friendly Robot Company made robots sentient. Now, he won’t trust a shower nozzle. It’s one of the reasons I got my own place.

Meg: Honey, I don’t see why you’re being so rude to Bender.

Marty: It’s because he’s a criminal and a robot!

Meg: What? (Puts on glasses) Oh, my! He is a robot! I thought he was wearing a helmet and steel jacket! (Pauses) You know, you two look cute together.

Bender: (whispers to Susan) And what’s with her?

Susan: Nothing, she’s just optimistic and absent-minded.

(Cut to the Agony Zone. The Stealth-Mech flies through giant, golden rings and strange miniature stars. Cut to Leela and Fry in the cockpit)

Leela: Wow. And I thought we’d seen everything.

Fry: So, where are we goin’?

Leela: I think it’s called the “Continuum Checkpoint”. It should be around this bend…

(Cut to exterior shot as the Stealth-Mech comes across a giant, golden, office building. There is a custodian at the door, with gray clothes and golden skin. His hat covers most of his face)

Custodian: Ah! Good, the Stealth-Mech with Planet Express’ Captain Leela and Fry.

Leela: (on intercom) How did you know our names?

Custodian: We have ways. Just drop the package here.

(The bottom of the ship open up and a crane from the inside lowers the crate in front of the custodian)

Custodian: Good. We paid in advance. There’s no need for you two to come out. You couldn’t survive in this environment anyway.

Leela: (on intercom) Then, how did you survive?

Custodian: We have ways.

Fry: What is the package, anyway?

Custodian: I’m not permitted to say. You two have a good journey to Earth.

Fry: (on intercom) Okay!

(The Stealth-Mech flies off, while another custodian arrives)

Custodian2: So, the future scripts have arrived?

Custodian1: Shhh! They mustn’t know that is what actually builds the universe!

(Cut to Leela at the Stealth-Mech’s helm. She’s happy, almost giddy. Fry is at her side.)

Leela: We did it. We had a delivery without a hitch! If we hurry, I can make it to my date on time!

Fry: (trying to hide his disappointment) Um, okay. Uh, is there anything I can do? Maybe put my socks in the engine and make us go faster?

Leela: Sorry, I already tried mine. But… I guess you could help me with the controls. They’re not too different than our usual ship, so you could handle them.

Fry: (a little surprised at Leela’s trust) Hmmm? Okay.

(He sits down and works at the controls, occasionally glancing at Leela)

Fry: (thinking) I don’t know why she doesn’t call this guy if she expects to be late. Well, at least I’m finally spending some time with her this evening. I just wish we could talk or something. I wonder how the others are doing at the party?

(Cut to Farnsworth’s living room. Zoidberg is running around in frenzy with a scared look in his eyes. Hermes, Amy, and the Professor are cowering in their seats.)

Hermes: (accusatory, to Amy) “It wouldn’t hurt,” you said. “He just needs to loosen up,” you said. “Drink this, Zoidberg,” you said.

Amy: (defensive) Hey! My uncle’s special rum always calmed my parents down! I assumed it had the same effect on Crustaceans.

(While we’re on Earth, let’s cut to an alley near Times Square, where Bender and Susan are making out)

Bender: (breaking the kiss) Wow! I haven’t been kissed like that since that time with Amy’s car battery!

Susan: Bender, there’s something I always wanted to do, but it was something too dangerous for my human body and too crazy to even mention. But I can do it now, and I want to share it with you!

Bender: We’re going to steal Donald Trump from the Head Museum and hold him for ransom?

Susan: (confused) Uh, no. Actually, I was thinking about this…(whispers in Bender’s “ear”)

Bender: Wow. That is crazy! I’ll do it twice if you want.

(Cut to outer space, with the Stealth-Mech cruising through space. Cut to the bridge with Fry and Leela at the controls. They’re both busy since there are so many buttons to push)

Leela: (thinking) Fry’s been so quiet. But then, so have I. (To Fry) Fry, I’m sorry I’ve been so distant lately. I’ve been thinking a lot lately.

Fry: What about?

Leela: Well, I guess time in a robot body opened my eye some. I’m in a dangerous profession and not living up to whatever life I have right now. I should really, well, be human. And I’m getting tired of being alone.

Fry: It that what tonight’s date is about?

Leela: Pretty much. It’s a bit of a chance, though. But it’s a calculated chance.

Fry: But I don’t see why we haven’t met this guy.

Leela: Actually, I’m planning to surprise him tonight. I just hope we can make the reservations and the ball drop.

Fry: The ball drop?

Leela: Yeah. I always wanted to see it with someone. I used to go to Times Square just to be in a crowd of people, but I felt so empty that I gave up and started watching it at home.

Fry: (pause) So did I. Well, I saw it with Michelle once. Actually, we were both sort of distracted: her with her college professor and me with the hot dog she had me hold for her.

Leela: (pause, a little surprised at him) Well, I really want to do this, although those plans may not be the most romantic thing in the world…or the most private, but I’m not aiming for “coffee” tonight.

(Suddenly, they feel something hit the ship! Fry checks the window and Leela checks the radar)

Leela: I think we’re under attack! But nothing’s on the radar! (Realizes) But we shouldn’t be on their radar either!

(Cut to outside the Stealth-Mech. We pan to the left and see a fleet of stealth-mechs with the space pirate emblem painted on each of them. They fire SFX missiles on the ship Leela and Fry are on, creating SFX explosions)

(Cut back to the cockpit, where Fry turns to Leela)

Fry: Leela, this ship was surplus, right? Does the DOOP worry about criminal records of which they sell stuff to?

Leela: Well, usually they’re pretty lenient about it… (Realizes; reaction shot of horrified face) oh no!

(Leela tries to control the ship while Fry keeps bouncing around the cockpit. Cut to outside, as the fleet fires and wreaks the engine in an explosive SFX. Their ship is now dropping fast. Cut back to Leela at the helm. Her view screen cackles with SFX and we see an insert of the space pirate leader, a purple humanoid with five eyes and a red military uniform)

Pirate: (on screen) Planet Express crew! You have in your possession a piece of cargo most valuable! You’re ship is out of control and will crash into whatever your present course was set for! Surrender and we will spare you with only the use of our grappler arms!

Leela: Actually, we don’t have it anymore! You got us on our way back! You should have scanners to detect it here!

Pirate: Oh. Well, I guess you’re expendable, then. ‘Bye!

(Static SFX on the screen as it goes off. Cut to space as we see the pirate fleet fly off. Cut back to Fry and Leela, reaction shot of them both on the verge of panic)

Fry: And… this has nothing to do with me messing up, huh?

Leela: (sighs) No, not at all. Fry, if we keep on our present course, we’ll hit New New York. But if I direct just enough power to what’s left of the engines, we’ll hit Liberty Harbor. We won’t survive, but at least we’ll save the city.

Fry: Okay. I just wish we weren’t saving the city from ourselves.

(Leela turns the wheel and pulls a lever. Cut to outside, where the Stealth-Mech turns to the right some. Cut back to the inside. They both look dejected.)

Leela: (gets up) I’ll…go work out a bit. Let me know when it’s time.

Fry: (small smile) Okay, Captain. (To self) Well, I always did want to make my mark on the world. (Cut to a gym, a bit smaller than the one on the usual ship, as Fry enters, we pan out to see Leela roughly punching and kicking a punching bag. She looks very angry and sad at once)

Leela: (between kicks) Why? Why? WHY???

(The last kick tears the bag open and the sand pours out of it. She stands there panting, but she also looks like she may start to cry. Then, she feels as if she’s being watched. She turns around and sees Fry.)

Leela: (embarrassed) Oh. Um, hi. Sorry that you saw that.

Fry: Actually, I’m a little turned on.

Leela: (sigh) I’d get mad if I wasn’t so upset already. Are we crashing yet? It seems too soon…

Fry: Actually, I was just worried about you. I’m sorry about your ruined night, Leela.

Leela: (calmer, but sad) Fry, I…was really looking forward to this evening.

Fry: Well, we were just doing our job and it’s not your fault the Professor wanted a delivery today.

Leela: But it is my fault that I…didn’t…Fry, let’s sit down.

(They do. Leela looks a little defensive while Fry looks worried and curious)

Fry: Um, you’re sweating…

Leela: (looks at herself) Yeah. I guess I should shower, I saw one on our way in. In fact, I guess we could both shower. Might as well die clean.

Fry: Hmmm!

Leela: Separate showers! There’s one in the men’s room as well! Meet me in the cockpit afterwards. And, now this is an order, don’t feel sorry for yourself. If anyone is to be blamed for anything tonight, it’s me.

(She leaves. Reaction shot of Fry’s confused face)

Fry: (calls to her) Wow! I think I just lost my role in the scheme of things then.

Act III

(Cut to some later time in the cockpit. Leela and Fry walk in wearing towels.)

Leela: It’ll be so soon until we crash, I can’t believe we won’t have time to dress for it!

Fry: I don’t mind.

Leela: You wouldn’t. Well, at least we’ll match when they find our bodies.

Fry: I wouldn’t say that. Er, I mean, you were always in better shape than me.

Leela: Er, thanks. Fry, about this evening…well, look.

(Leela picks up her right boot and reaches into it. She pulls out a small card. Fry takes it and looks at it. It reads: Lobster Dome—Grand Opening—Reservations for 10pm, Dec. 31st)

Fry: Lobster Dome. Bender told me about that place. Isn’t it kind of expensive?

Leela: Yeah, but I thought we could split the price. I…wanted a good first impression, at least to show him that I wanted to try to be serious about it.

Fry: Wow. Well, he would have liked it, I bet. I’m…sorry. I really don’t know what to…

(Fry then sees Leela holding the other reservation card from her left boot. Fry looks at his again. At a closer glance, he reads in smaller print: Reserved for Fry, Philip J.)

Fry: (shocked speechless, regains some composure) Did Bender slip me a Vert feather or somethin’? I told him I wouldn’t take those things…

Leela: Fry, this is real. I…was going to surprise you.

Fry: But, I…you…me…

Leela: I’ve been thinking about us lately, and, well, I still wish you’d act you’re age, but I’m not always the best example of maturity either. And, neither of us has done any better in love, and I’m supposed to have high standards. I admit, I’m kind of scared, but I decided to try it.

Fry: You mean…

Leela: (smiles slightly) Don’t give your hopes up; I was only expecting dinner! And…to see the ball drop in Times Square.

Fry: (smiles a little) There’s no one else I’d rather see it with either.

Leela: (also smiles a little) Yeah. (Now getting upset) I…I should have said something, Fry, anything. To you, to the Professor to give us at least tonight off. Or maybe I could have left you on Earth for this delivery; no sense in both of us crashing…

Fry: Leela, I wouldn’t want you to go a mission alone either, especially if it looked like we weren’t coming back. Let’s…let’s just enjoy the time we have left, okay.

Leela: (on the verge of tears, but finally smiling) Okay.

(They hold hands, look at each other, and look at the window into space, trying to enjoy the view one last time.)

Fry: They’ll miss us, you know. Even Bender will miss us.

Leela: Yeah. I always thought he’d go down with us. He did help us several times and Susan sort of brought us together.

Fry: Yeah, I thought we’d go down like the Three Musketeers.

Leela: Fry! The strongest Musketeer was crushed to death and a cannonball killed their captain!

Fry: Oh! Which one am I, again?

Leela: (switching on monitor) Forget it. I just wish the communications were working so we could say goodbye to our families and co-workers. But we can see this year’s “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve”. (Smiles) Fry, would you like to watch the ball drop with me?

Fry: (smiling) I’d love to, Leela.

(They look at an insert of Times Square. The ball is lit up with SFX and ready to drop, but there are two figures on top of it! A close-up reveals that it’s Bender and Susan! They wave to the cameras and then begin to make-out. Cut back to Fry and Leela, looking shocked at the screen. They quickly calm down, look at each other, and shrug.)

Crowd: (on screen) Ten!

(Leela and Fry embrace)

Nine! Eight! Seven!

(They look in each other's eyes for a moment)

Six! Five! Four!

(Their lips get closer…)

Three!

(They’re about to kiss….)

Two!

(Suddenly, the camera moves back from the close-up of their lips to a medium shot with Fry jerking his head back and his eyes wide open!)

Fry: Wait!

Leela: (confused) What?

(Cut to Times Square as the ball finishes it’s decent with Bender and Susan still occupied with each other)

Crowd: Happy New Year! Yay!!!

(Smitty and URL, the human and robot peace officers, arrive to the ball and handcuff Bender and Susan; the two robot lovers don’t mind. Then, the four of them notice something in the sky. It’s the Stealth-Mech crashing through the atmosphere and splashing into the coast and exploding with a loud ROAR and a gigantic SFX explosion!)

(Cut to the ocean surface. All is quiet. Suddenly, bubbles are seen. Leela and Fry surface, wearing orange life jackets. Leela’s lipstick is washed off)

Leela: (gasps) “Maybe the ship has water safety equipment?” Fry, you’re a genus!

Fry: (surprised at her comment) You sure you’re okay?

Leela: (sweetly) Never better…

Leela: (notices that Fry is looking at her strangely) What?

Fry: I’ve never seen you without lipstick before; (smiles) I like it!

(They shred water for a while and look into each other’s eyes. They get closer to each other and…SPX of spotlights are shown on them. They turn around and the camera pans out to see the lights coming from the seafood restaurant. Two familiar figures are on the plank walk, Theo and Inez Wong)

Theo: Hey! Amy’s weirdo friends! You midnight swimming and shooting firecrackers or something?

Inez: You skinny-dipping? Even Amy outgrew that!

Leela: (surprised) Amy’s parents?

Fry: What are you doing here?

Inez: We bought this place this afternoon.

Theo: You two have a reservation or something?

Leela: Actually, yes. But it’s far too late.

Theo: Oh, we let you in.

Inez: Business bad tonight since robots make kisseyface on ball. Customers rather see that.

(Leela and Fry turn to each other, smiling)

Leela: Our friends helped us after all.

(They get closer and finally kiss)

(Montage of pictures of Fry and Leela being rescued, a waterlogged Fry and Leela wearing blankets having dinner, a shocked Fry and Leela looking at their bill [the prices were inflated after the Wongs bought the place], Fry and Leela leaving without Fry’s water gear, Bender and Susan “making sparks” in a jail cell while Fry and Leela point them out to the officers to bail them out, Fry and Leela both in water barrels with a happy Bender and Susan facing us [Leela lent her water safety gear for bail money and Bender got barrels for them], and our heroes back at Planet Express posing for a disheveled but happy picture while their friends are passed out everywhere behind them)

Fry: (voiceover) In retrospect, it really was a special night. Leela and I did get some quality time together, which is all I wanted that day. We were both broke for a while, so dating was out of the question for a few months. We were both happy for Bender and Susan. They didn’t give us much trouble for a while after that. I guess that was their way of paying us back. In fact, considering all the trouble we tend to constantly be in, I guess I would call it the best night of our lives…except that was to come in a few months…

END?