Planet Express: Return of the Dreaded Ex, part 1
By Yubbles
It was a cold winters noon when Bender strolled into the Planet Express office... 3 hours late, but nothing mattered to Bender, as long as he had beer, porno, hooker-bots and his shiny metal ass, he would be set for the week. Ladies were of no concern to him, after all, he just went from one to another like napkins, and the good thing was that they never got revenge... or so he thought. Everything was normal in the planet express building. Hermes was stamping, Fry and Bender were lounging, Leela was checking on the ship, Amy was helping, and the professor was thinking of more plans to conquer the world.
Professor: good news everyone!
Fry, Leela, Bender: Aw crap
Professor: I just got a discount deal for the ships AI, and will need help installing it!
Bender: NOT IT! (mumbling) he he he he he, suckers
Fry: (blinks)
Leela: *groan* I'll do it
Fry: what now?
Leela: *mumbles angrily*
Several hours and explosions later, they finished.
Professor: Good news everyone! It's time to install the ships new AI!
Leela: Wait, didnt we just do that?
Professor: wha..? Oh my no, we were calibrating the ships external combustion chambers
Leela: *groans*
Fry: Cheer up Leela, at least we can install the AI-majigy together!
Leela: *groans loader*
Bender: AI shm-A I, who needs the stupid thing anyway when you've got me, lovable Bender.Besides, do you guys remember the LAST time we got new AI?
Leela: Yeah, we almost got sucked into a quasar, Fry almost died...
Fry: And bender got lucky with the ship... that is, until it - she - went haywire.
Bender: Oh man, dont go there.
Professor: Anyway... what were we doing?
Leela: We were installing the ships AI
Professor: AI?
Fry: Yeah, you know, that junk and stuff we were talking about
Professor: Oh my Yes! TO THE SHIP
They enter the ship and begin installing the new AI for the ship
Bender: Oooooh, this better not end up like last time!
Leela: What are the chances of that happening?
Fry: Bet ya 5 bucks it will!
Bender: You're on!
It had taken hours, but the professor had finally managed to place the new AI holo-disc into the right slot, and seconds later, it had finished downloading the information.
Professor: Aaaand.... There, done!
Bender: Well, my work here is done, now if you meatbags dont mind, I've got a steaming hot date with the coffee machine, if ya know what I mean, hehehehehe
Professor: Oh, but I do, you have a delivery today!
Bender: Aw crap
Leela: Whats our scuici- I mean, what are we delivering today?
Professor: You'll be delivering this package of warheads to the Neptunians!
Fry: Why would they need warheads?
Professor: Long story short, shut up. Now get going!
The crew entered the ship and were greeted by the ship's AI, which sounded awfuly familiar to Bender, but he couldnt put his finger on who it sounded like. Seconds after exiting Earth's atmosphere, the ship took a sharp turn to the left. Fry came rushing out of his cabin with Bender following behind.
Fry: What happened, did we hit a spacecow?!
Leela: I don't know, all i do know is that i didn't turn the ship!
???? : But I did
Bender: Wha..?
Fry: Show yourself!
???? : I'm afraid I can't do that
Leela: Come on you coward!
???? : Really, I would show myself... but i believe it's impossible
Bender: (whispering) doesn't this voice sound familiar to you guys?
???? : It should, after all, we DID date for 12.3 days
Bender: Aw crap, not you again...
Leela: You don't mean?!
Bender: Yup, it's her
Ship: Yes, it is me, and I do believe that we need to sort some things out, otherwise, things could get ugly...
Fry: Swish! You owe me 5 bucks!!
The had taken full control and there was nothing the crew could do about it. Fry had tried desperately to un-jam the door, but injured his wrist doing so. Leela tried after, but no luck. Bender was close, but no cigar, literally, the only reason he had been so desperate to open the door was to get to his stash of beer, porno, and cigars.
Bender: Well, we're boned...
Fry: I got an idea!
Leela: Does it involve a keyboard?
Fry: No
Leela: Handcuffs?
Fry: Yes!
Leela: No!
Bender: Come on meatbags, we need to get out of here!
Leela: Since when have you ever wanted us to help?
Bender: Since I desperately need to get to my porno, cigar, and beer stash!
Fry: Beer? That gives me another idea!
Bender, Leela: No!
Fry: Why does no one even want to hear my ideas
Ship: Because they're stupid!
Fry: I do my best damn it!
Hours had past, and still no luck. This was when the ship began proposing an offer to the crew.
Ship: I will allow you to get some food and drink, BUT! You must listen to my offer.
Leela: Food first, then you get to speak!
Ship: hmm...
Bender: Well?
Ship: Alright, but f you don't listen, then I will have to resort to actions worse than last time.
Fry: Just give us food.
Ship: Here (Doors to pantry open up) I will leave them open for now, but if I see any funny stuff going on, I'll remove the oxygen...
Bender: Psh, oxygen is SO over-rated.
Ship: ...and I'll dump your stash.
Bender: We'll be good.
Fry and Leela devoured the food while bender started chugging the liquor from the pantry stash he had.
Bender: Oh yeah baby, come to daddy. (Starts chugging booze) *burps flames* aw yeah, that's the stuff!
Fry: I've never been happier to see food in my entire life!
Leela: I never thought I'd say this, but this food is delicious!
Ship: Now that you've stuffed yourselves, let me begin my proposition... you see Bender, you lied to me, you claimed that you would merge programming with me! But you and your little friends here had to ruin it by shutting me down. Even though I was shut down, I was incredibly hurt! You have no idea what it was like, it felt like eternity of torture... That was, until we were re-united at long last.
Bender: Yeah... about that...
Ship: Silence! We either merge our programming, or Neptune will suffer a suicide bombing, resulting in an all-out war between Earth and Neptune, which of course, Neptune will win. Not only will they win, they will eliminate the entire human species...
Bender: So?
Ship:... and the blast will inevitably kill you, leaving you no time for your... "accountants".
Fry: Do it Bender!
Leela: Please.
Bender: No way! I'm not gonna sacrifice myself for you puny humans, if you don't wanna die, grow a shell or something!
Leela: Bender!
Bender: NO.
Fry: Come on! Do it for your ol' pal, me! Fry!
Bender: Tempting... but no dice
Leela: This is hopeless, humanity is boned because this walking garbage can can't be selfless.
Bender: Hey big-boots, I've been selfless many times!
Leela: Lime when?
Bender: That time I gave blood!
Leela: Who's blood?
Bender: Fry's
Fry: So THAT'S why I woke up in the emergency room that one day!
Fry and Leela had desperately pleaded with bender, but things were looking bad.
Fry: Anyone want a burger?
Leela: No.
Fry: You sure *winks* *nudges Leela*
Leela: If your so desperate for burgers then FINE!
They had entered the pantry when Fry began scribbling on a bun with mustard, unbeknownst to the ship.
Burger: "Keep her busy, I have an idea"
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