Author Topic: "Men in Black-arama"  (Read 189 times)

Offline Gulliver63

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"Men in Black-arama"
« on: April 04, 2018, 10:36:32 PM »
More goodies! I was in a panic because I didn't have a story on the taxiway ready to take off. I then pulled this story out from five years ago, blew the dust off, and finished it. I know that some of you have heard me read the early parts of this, which I think was started in 2013. I got about a third of the way into it and got stuck in the mud, and it sat for years on my flash drive. And now, it's alive! The contents therein are easy to figure out by the title - the agents of the MIB have to encounter the Planet Express crew, and hilarity ensues. Admittedly it's not the greatest story ever written, but I'm glad that it's seeing the light of day and if a few chuckles happen, I've done my job. We begin our story just before a young Philip J. Fry gets frozen...

Men In Black-arama
By Robert L. Fitzpatrick


New York City
New Year’s Eve, 1999

New Year’s Eve had to be the worst night of the year to work, and Philip J. Fry had to work it. The traffic was terrible, and people were out in the streets like ants at a picnic. Philip was pretty nimble with his bicycle, and it enabled him to get places where a car couldn’t.  While on his way to deliver a pizza to the cryogenic center, Fry took a back alley that he’d traversed many times. The alley was dark, and as soon as he entered it, his bike struck something – he and his pizzas went flying in all directions. When he got up and composed himself, he noticed that the object he struck was a person lying in the street.
   “Great,” he mumbled to himself, “a stinking wino.” As he walked over, he noticed that the man was fairly well dressed. “Oh my gosh,” he asked him, “are you okay?”
   The man held out his hand in a pleading gesture. In his fingers he held what looked like a dark green crystal. “Young man,” he said, “you must take this from me.”
   “I’m sorry I hit you…I’m gonna get you an ambulance.”
   “Young man…please take this. You must not let anyone get it from you. Please! This is important to me.”
   “I gotta call an ambulance for you.”
   He continued to plead with Fry until he accepted the stone. “Good…you have the stone.” The man coughed. “Your life is in great danger…you must leave now.”
   “But Mister,”
   “Leave now…if he finds you, he will kill you. Leave now – please! Kelgugg is coming…”
   “I’ll get you an ambulance…I swear.”
   Fry gathered his pizzas, but he left the one that spilled out of the box. He rode his bike out of the alley, and found a phone booth to call an ambulance. While he spoke to the 911 operator, a shadowy figure walked by him on his way to the alley. When the call was finished, he was safe in the knowledge that help was on its way. He boarded his bike, and sped off to the cryogenic center.
   The shadowy figure walked up to the injured man, and bent down to talk with him. “Kashindi, you know why I’m here,” he told the man.
   The man answered in a strangely high voice that sounded like an insect chirp. “I do, and I don’t have it…it’s far away from here. It’s on a Moruvian trading ship…”
   “I bet you wished it were.” He opened Kashindi’s jacket, and examined his handiwork. “This was a nice shot from a long range for a maser pistol,” he observed. He searched the man’s jacket and pockets for the stone, but didn’t find it.
   “I told you, it’s far away. You will never succeed with your plan, Kelgugg.”
   “You make too much noise for an Aregulian merchant.” He squeezed his fist, and a long black stinger slid out from the bottom of his arm. Kelgugg jabbed him in the side with his stinger, and the venom quickly cut off his breathing. As Kashindi went limp, he returned to his normal insectoid appearance; his arms went up like a dead water bug. The killer stood back up, and poured a vial of green liquid on the body…Kashindi promptly vanished in a puff of steamy smoke. “I will find that crystal, and I will kill whoever you gave it to, Aregulian.” Satisfied, Kelgugg left into the shadows.
   Several minutes later a black Ford LTD tore into the same alleyway. Two men in black suits stepped out. The older man spoke with a distinctive West Texas drawl as he glanced at the car's instrument panel. “This is where the readings end.”
   “But there’s nothing here,” the other commented. They stepped out of the car.
   “He was here, Sport – I’d bet money on it.” He pulled out a small instrument with little red flashing lights and began to scan the alleyway. “There’s been a vaporization right here – nuts, we just missed him. And I’m betting our victim was one Mr. Kashindi from the delicatessen.”
   “Yeah, and I bet you had a witness,” the young Agent J told his partner. He walked over to a pizza box nearby, and lifted the lid with a ballpoint pen. “This pizza hasn’t been here that long. And I’m betting they deliver.  Panucci’s…the pizza is awful, and the guy that runs it is a jerk.”
   “Well, times-a-wastin’ Tiger.”

   The cranky old Mr. Panucci looked at the two men in their black suits and ties. “Youse guys is really from the IRS? And you usually makes calls this late?”
   “So you do have a pizza delivery boy,” said the elder Agent K.
   “Yeah…Philip J. Fry. But I ain’t seen him in a while...I sent him over to Applied Cryogenics to deliver a pizza to some guy named I. C. Wiener. If he wants his job, he’d better show up soon.”
   The two men in black walked back to their cars. “What do you think?” asked the young Agent J.
   “We could case the morgues, but I don’t think we’ll have to worry about that – the kid’s probably been vaporized the same way. I’ve let Kelgugg the Divider slip away again…and he probably has the crystal...blast it! War will break out, and I’m responsible.”
   A group of revelers went jogging on past the two. “Happy New Year 2000,” shouted one of them with glee.
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." Rodney Dangerfield

"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore, always carry a small snake." W. C. Fields

Offline Gulliver63

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Re: "Men in Black-arama"
« Reply #1 on: April 06, 2018, 04:35:18 PM »
...Far from being without options, Agent K shows a very interesting library computer to Agent J...

At the MIB Headquarters, Agent Zed was waiting to pounce when the two MIB agents returned. “I can tell by your facial expressions that you didn’t get Kelgugg…or the crystal.”
   “Chief, we were hot on his trail,” remarked K.
   “The planet of Aregulia will be in dread peril. If Kelgugg gets that crystal, they won't stand a chance. You’d better take Junior here to the history library.”
   As the two walked down the hall, J just had to ask. “History files? How is that going to help us now?”
   K held up his ID badge to a reader, and a door slid open. Inside the room was an amazingly sophisticated computer relay. “This is a little gift from our friends on Beta Scorpii 3.” He waved his hand over a green glass pad, and the computer came to life. “These are history files…but not the history that you’re used to. These files are of future history.”
   “Wait a minute…future history? Doesn’t that mean that they can be changed?”
   “You are correct, sir. Now have a seat.”
    "Why don't we just use this to see what ends up happening to our boy? And the Stone...and Kelgugg?"
    K gestured to the screen. "See? It's not set in stone yet, slick. We've got to make that little bit of history happen ourselves."
   As K began to work the controls, J started to experiment with the machine as well.
   “Why is this machine so top secret?” asked J.
   “Because it would end civilization as we know it, for starters.”
   “Hey,” J exclaimed, “the Cincinnati Bengals actually win the Super Bowl! That can't be changed, can it?”
   “This is not a toy, Slick – we’re working a case.”
   “This information has all kinds of holes in it.”
   “Like you said, it’s always changing. See, the Bengals didn’t win the Superbowl afterall.”
   Agent J suddenly got excited. “Uh, Old Person – I think we’ve got clue…”
   “Find anything on Kelgugg?”
   “No, but listen to this: ‘Local Boy Makes Good. Philip J. Fry, a delivery boy for Planet Express, wins the contest to tour the Slurm Factory on the planet Wormulon.’ The article is dated 2099. I guess our delivery guy isn’t dead after all.”
   “Yes, but what’s he doing a thousand years in the future? Was he scheduled to be frozen at the cryogenic center? Maybe we should head back over there...”
   Red lights began flashing on the big screen in front of them as a klaxon began to sound. K pushed several of the panel buttons. “Lordy Lou, we’re being hacked!”
   J pointed to a small screen. “The location of the source is a coffee shop in Columbus Circle,” he added.
   The klaxon stopped and the red lights went off. “It’s over,” said K, “and it’s a fair bet that Kelgugg knows what we're up to. He’ll go to the future and kill that kid, and the whole planet of Aregulia is next.”
   “Then we’re screwed…”
   “Not quite, kid – let me show you another little gift from Beta Scorpii 3…”
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." Rodney Dangerfield

"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore, always carry a small snake." W. C. Fields

Offline Flounder

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Re: "Men in Black-arama"
« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2018, 10:49:13 PM »
...I'm glad that it's seeing the light of day and if a few chuckles happen, I've done my job.

Indeed you are doing your job well, Gulliver, as usual. :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

(PS I'm sending you a PM.)
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Offline El-Man

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Re: "Men in Black-arama"
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2018, 12:17:08 AM »
I'm trying to imagine Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith reading all this dialogue...

Offline Gulliver63

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Re: "Men in Black-arama"
« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2018, 12:40:01 AM »
What's really fun is when Tommy begins to pontificate in his colloquial expressions like, "Son, you're in as much danger as a meat cutter in a Texas rottweiler ranch." Will then chides him for this.
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." Rodney Dangerfield

"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore, always carry a small snake." W. C. Fields

Offline Gulliver63

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Re: "Men in Black-arama"
« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2018, 04:17:58 PM »
...The Men in Black do some traveling to a distant century, and then find their way into the Planet Express building...

Agent K looked at his younger partner. “Do you have to scream like a girl when you time travel?”
   “How many times have I time traveled? I feel like I just had my insides pulled out!”
   “I told you to take short, shallow breaths…didn’t you listen to me? All the blood rushed to your head. It's the G-forces, remember? Just act like a jet fighter pilot.”
   “Oh yeah? I’ll keep that in mind the next time I time travel. Or, pilot a fighter jet.”
   K looked around. “Well, doesn’t look too different than back home…except for the travel tubes and floating cars. I can see that they still have phone booths.”
   “Uh, that’s not a phone booth…it says ‘Suicide Booth’ on the side.”
   K walked over to another machine. “You’re gonna love this,” he told J, “they sell crack in vending machines now.”
   “What, and they park it up next to a suicide booth?”
    The two then saw Heather the Neptunian walking up the street toward them.
   “Well, they at least still have Neptunians. Let me handle this - I speak their language.” K cleared his throat, and spoke a guttural croaking. “Ee a kakki Planetki Expressa aaa?’
   Heather giggled. “How cute…that sounded funny in a southern drawl. You got the conjugation wrong, but otherwise you did well. I do know where Planet Express is – walk about three blocks up that way.”
   “Much obliged, ma’am.”
   “They speak English now?” asked J.

Agents J and K entered the Planet Express headquarters lobby and glanced around. Leela was busy doing some paperwork at a window, and had her back turned to the guys. “You need to let me handle this,” J told his partner, “I just have a bit more finesse with the young ladies. You, being old and decrepit, usually have better luck with the senior citizens. ”
   “Well, hurry up Slick – I don’t have all day.”
   “Excuse me, Miss…I don't know if I've seen anyone with purple hair lately, but you look very nice with it.”
   Leela turned. “Thank you…can I help you?”
   J lurched back as he saw the singular eye. “Damn…but damn…”
   Leela’s expression turned to a frown. “Not another eye comment. You’d think by 3014 people have seen everything.”
   “Uh, no…I meant ‘damn’ as in, ‘that’s a really nice wrist thingee type thing you’ve got on your wrist there’…”
   K gently pushed him aside. “Ma’am, we’re actually here to speak with a Philip J. Fry – we understand that he works here. We're in a bit of a hurry.”
   Leela looked at the men’s suits. “Hey, you guys aren’t from the mortuary, are you? We don’t ship dead bodies – I’ve told the Professor time and time again about this. I’m not flying to Ganymede with a bunch of stiffs in the back…”
   “No ma’am,” Agent K continued, “we really need to speak with him.”
   Leela got a smile on her face. “Oh, I get it – you guys are from the Bureaucracy. But what would you want with Fry? The worst he’s done is leave food in his locker. Besides, he’s not here…he took Bender in for a refit at the Android works. He should be back this afternoon.”
   As they were talking, Morgan Proctor came in with her clipboard. “I need to speak with your Professor,” she told Leela. “I understand that he’s starting up his experiments again.”
   “Hey Morgan, you probably know these guys – they’re from the Bureaucracy.”
   She looked over at them. “You aren’t from the Bureaucracy. You’re…you’re those…I remember reading about you guys in middle school. You’re the Men In Black.”
   “You know these guys?” Leela asked Morgan.
   “Oh, yes…aren’t they a dream? Dibs on the older one.”
   Leela smirked. “Oh yeah?  I’ll just pass on both of them.”
   “Suit yourself…I want to have his baby…hell, I'd have both of their babies.”
   K looked at J. “Get your glasses on, Sport – I think we’ve been ratted out.”
   J took out his flash-thingee. “I need everyone to look up here for a minute.” The machine flashed, and he placed it back in his jacket pocket. “Now then, you know how you were always warned about that nasty fruitcake during the holidays? We’re from the Food and Drug Administration, and this company is guilty of shipping that stuff across the galaxy. We’ll be back later to conduct a full investigation.”
   As they left the Planet Express building, the two men noticed Morgan Proctor tagging behind them like an excited teenager. When they realized that she wouldn't leave them alone, K turned to address her in his Texas accent.
   “Can I help you, lady?”
   “Is there something I can do for you men? Deliver some files…perhaps stamp some paperwork? I'd even deliver a writ of sequestration if you'd let me.”
   He then gave J an annoyed look. “Did you do that thing right?”
   “Hell yeah, I did it right. She must have a fried brain.”
   “Oh, I forgot to tell you,” Morgan continued, “the Bureaucracy installs a chip in our brains – that machine won’t work us. Oh, you guys are like living legends to us in the Bureaucracy...just let me roll with you two for a while. Please?”
   “Great,” K lamented, “we’re stuck with a groupie. Well, if you’ve got to tag along, you can show us where we can get a slice of pie. I can’t think without a slice of pie.”
   Morgan smiled. “Follow me, gentlemen.”
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." Rodney Dangerfield

"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore, always carry a small snake." W. C. Fields

Offline Flounder

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Re: "Men in Black-arama"
« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2018, 10:51:39 AM »
Heather and Morgan Proctor in the space of one installment!  Doesn't get much better than that.

Didn't know that Agents J and K were dirty, dirty boys... ;)  Having Morgan along as a guide - among, perhaps, other things - would be a very interesting experience.

Good one, Chet Gulliver! :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
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Offline Gulliver63

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Re: "Men in Black-arama"
« Reply #7 on: April 12, 2018, 01:24:45 PM »
Quote
Didn't know that Agents J and K were dirty, dirty boys... ;)  Having Morgan along as a guide

I don't think that they are as excited to be with her, as she is to be with them. And she wants to have their babies! :)
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." Rodney Dangerfield

"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore, always carry a small snake." W. C. Fields

Offline El-Man

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Re: "Men in Black-arama"
« Reply #8 on: April 12, 2018, 01:44:08 PM »
   J took out his flash-thingee.

 :confused:   Neutraliser? Neurolyzer? Neuromatic? I don't remember...

Offline Gulliver63

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Re: "Men in Black-arama"
« Reply #9 on: April 12, 2018, 04:20:16 PM »
Quote
Neutraliser? Neurolyzer? Neuromatic? I don't remember...

I think it was your middle one...the neurolyzer...I think. Also, I wish I'd added a bit to this scene, because Leela will remember them being there; possibly her mutant brain or eye or both are structured differently. It's almost worth lamp-shading...
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." Rodney Dangerfield

"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore, always carry a small snake." W. C. Fields

Offline El-Man

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Re: "Men in Black-arama"
« Reply #10 on: April 12, 2018, 10:47:30 PM »
I think it was your middle one...the neurolyzer...I think. Also, I wish I'd added a bit to this scene, because Leela will remember them being there; possibly her mutant brain or eye or both are structured differently. It's almost worth lamp-shading...

Neuralyzer. Just looked it up on the MiB Wiki. Yes, there is a MiB Wiki.

What about Fry and his lack of the ol' delta brain wave? Or is that reaching into cliche for Futurama fanfic by now?

Offline Gulliver63

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Re: "Men in Black-arama"
« Reply #11 on: April 13, 2018, 12:20:41 AM »
Quote
What about Fry and his lack of the ol' delta brain wave? Or is that reaching into cliche for Futurama fanfic by now?

I'm going to give that one a rest for now - too much going on. I'm thinking that the only ones there in the lobby were Morg and Leela. Fry and Bender are out goofing around, as we will see.
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." Rodney Dangerfield

"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore, always carry a small snake." W. C. Fields

Offline Gulliver63

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Re: "Men in Black-arama"
« Reply #12 on: April 16, 2018, 09:29:38 PM »
While Agent K has his pie in New York, an angry alien seeks young Fry.

“Are you liking your pie?” asked Elzar.
   “You know something,” K told him, “this is the best rhubarb pie I’ve had since Dallas.”
   “Well, it’s not quite rhubarb…but you can’t taste the weasel, can you?”
   J spit out a piece on his plate. “Weasel? We’re eating weasel?”
   “Hey,” Elzar bristled, “that pie was enjoyed by the crowned heads of Europe. I'll have you know that weasel is a delicacy over there.”
   "I don't mind the weasel," K remarked as he continued eating.
   "Oh yeah? You're from Texas where they eat rattlesnake."
   K looked up at him. "Rattlesnake is good eatin' - tastes just like chicken."
   "Really? I'll just stick with chicken when I want to taste chicken, you nasty old sodbuster."
   "He really does make a great iguana mincemeat pie," added Morgan. “It hasn’t got much Iguana in it…”
 Elzar frowned. "This is a fascinating conversation. When you guys are done arguing, here is the bill."
   K handed him a ten dollar bill. Elzar chuckled. "Look at this antique! Alexander Hamilton? This is before they put President Bruce Willis on the bill. There aren't even any anti-gravity cars on the back. I may just post this in my office on the wall."
   K gave J that serious look again. "Planet Express was easy enough to find, Tiger...how are we going to find that red-headed kid?"
   "You mean like Fry?" Morgan added.
   Both agents turned to the bureaucrat. "What did you say?"
   "Well, Farnsworth has a young relative with red hair...a young guy named Philip, who was frozen in the 20th century. Kind-hearted...bit of a putz. He’s kind of dreamy. He's head over heels in love with the cyclops woman you spoke with. Does that help you two?"
   "Frozen in the 20th century? Like in the 1990's? In New York?" asked J.
   "Why, as a matter of fact yes. His records show he was frozen in 1999."
   K pulled an extra pair of sunglasses out of his jacket pocket, and placed them squarely on Morgan's face. "Ma'am, I've never done this before, but I hereby deputize you as an honorary MIB operative. You will now be known as Agent M."
   Morgan smiled from ear to ear. "Men, let's go bust some skulls and split some wigs."

   Kelgugg the Divider stepped out of the St. Asimov hospital for robots and swore under his breath. He pulled up the article on Fry on his wrist computer. "Local boy makes good," he spat, "where are you, young Philip Fry?"
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." Rodney Dangerfield

"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore, always carry a small snake." W. C. Fields

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Re: "Men in Black-arama"
« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2018, 11:38:13 AM »
Weasel pie...President Bruce Willis...Agent M...

The funny just keeps coming and coming!

I've often speculated with others on the board about Leela's visual acuity.  Perhaps she has a nicitating membrane that protects her eye, maybe she can see just enough into the UV and IR regions to avoid trouble.  Hmmm...

Fine one, Gulliver! :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
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Offline Gulliver63

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Re: "Men in Black-arama"
« Reply #14 on: April 17, 2018, 01:53:31 PM »
Quote
Weasel pie...

How'dya like the yummy little Monty Python I slipped in there? "It hasn't got much iguana in it..."

Quote
I've often speculated with others on the board about Leela's visual acuity.  Perhaps she has a nicitating membrane that protects her eye, maybe she can see just enough into the UV and IR regions to avoid trouble.

MTC and I have chatted a lot about this. Both of us seem to think that she should have at least some IR ability that a human doesn't. I've always believed in her having more of a oval-shaped eyeball to aid in peripheral vision. A nictitating membrane? That would quickly close involuntarily in a dangerous situation to protect the eye? I like it! It certainly drives home the idea of her being mutated. I'm adding it to the story - thanks!
« Last Edit: April 17, 2018, 03:08:03 PM by Gulliver63 »
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." Rodney Dangerfield

"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore, always carry a small snake." W. C. Fields