Episode Transcript

3acv18: Anthology of Interest II
From The Neutral Planet

[Opening Credits. Caption: Hey, TiVo! Suggest this!]

[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth hits his What-If machine with a hammer.]

Farnsworth: There. I've finished fine-tuning my What-If machine. It can answer any "What-If" question, accurate to within one-tenth of a plausibility unit.

Leela: That's so plausible I can't believe it!

Farnsworth: Who wants the machine to show them an alternate reality?

[Bender steps forward.]

Bender: Ooh! Ooh! I wanna know what would happen if I were human. I mean, being a robot's great, but we don't have emotions and sometimes that makes me very sad.

Farnsworth: Oh, Lordy Lou, there he goes again. Well, let's give baby what he wants. [He holds a microphone on the machine.] What if Bender were human?

[He pulls a string.]

[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender is strapped to a table and the staff are gathered around him.]

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I've invented a way to turn Bender into a human using a process I call "reverse fossilisation".

Leela: How does it work?

Farnsworth: Well, in regular fossilisation, flesh and bone turn to minerals. Realising that, it was a simple matter to reverse the process. I've already tested it by turning the toaster into a racoon.

[He puts the racoon on a table. It runs around and two slices of toast pop out of it. Fry takes a bite.]

Fry: Kinda game-y.

Farnsworth: Are you ready, Bender?

Bender: I dunno. I'm beginning to have some second thoughts--

[Farnsworth throws a switch and Bender is zapped with electricity la the countless Frankenstein films. He slowly starts to take human form. He grows hair, a nose and...]

Hermes: Cover your shame, mon!

[He puts some underpants on Bender. The table tips up and human Bender walks off. Everyone gasps.]

Farnsworth: It worked! Eat it, everyone whose never won a Nobel Prize! And that includes you, Amy!

[Amy cries. Bender looks at his new self.]

Bender: So this is a human body, huh? Neat! [He feels the top of his head.] Hey, my antenna's gone. [He looks at his crotch.] No, it just moved. I'm not getting good reception on it though. Maybe if I wiggle it around a little.

Fry: (whispering) Bender, no! You'll make God cry.

Bender: Well, let's see what kinda things this body can do. [He spits and Hermes leans out the way of it.] Hey, that's pretty fun. [He vomits and laughs.] Being human is great!

[He vomits again. Zoidberg cheers.]

Zoidberg: Hooray! It's just like Mardis Gras!

[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender walks out of the bathroom.]

Bender: Guy! Guys! You've gotta see this. You're not gonna believe it!

Leela: Bender, it's OK to be proud but don't be a show-off.

[Bender looks Amy up and down.]

Bender: Whoa! You look a lot better than you used to for some reason.

Amy: (sexfully) You're not so bad yourself, big boy.

[She kisses him.]

Bender: Hey, that felt great! [He kisses Farnsworth.] Nah, it's not working anymore.

Farnsworth: Speak for yourself!

[What-If Scene: O'Zorgnax's Pub. Bender drinks a beer and lights and smokes a cigar.]

Bender: Whoa! This is awesome!

Leela: Bender, you drank and smoked when you were a robot.

Bender: But now it's bad for me!

[He hoots and picks up another mug. Fry slides a box of nachos onto the bar.]

Fry: Speaking of which, try these nachos.

[Bender tastes one and his eyes widen with delight. He starts scoffing the rest of them.]

Bender: Mmm! Why didn't anyone tell me tasting things tasted so good? [Miami Sound Machine's Conga plays and Bender's hips wiggle.] What's going on? That rhythm! It's doing something to my human butt.

[He stands up and dances, still holding his beer, cigar and nachos.]

Amy: Bender, part of being human is having self control.

Bender: Oh, my God! I bet I can eat nachos and go to the bathroom at the same time!

[He picks up the box of nachos and the others restrain him.]

Amy: No, Bender!

Hermes: No!

Leela: Stop him.

Bender: Let me go.

Leela: No!

Farnsworth: Come, Bender. It's time to go home and rest. I need you in top shape next week when I present you to the Nobel Prize Committee. Bender?

[Bender climbs out of a window.]

[Cut to: Outside O'Zorgnax's Pub. Bender runs down the street.]

Bender: (shouting) Goodbye, moderation!

[What-If Scene: D.U.I. Friday's. Bender dances with two girls to Conga still with a mug of beer and a hot dog.]

[What-If Scene: New New York City Street. He walks out of D.U.I. Friday's and into Dinkin' Donuts.]

[Time Lapse. He leaves a while later with his arms around two girls.]

[What-If Scene: Academy of Science. A week later, Farnsworth and the rest of the staff attend the Nobel Prize Committee. Farnsworth stands at a lectern while Amy and Zoidberg sit at a table.]

Zoidberg: Is Bender still missing for a week? Where is he, already?

Farnsworth: Uh, as I've said before, I used reverse fossilisation, which is the reverse of regular, um...

[He wipes his brow and clears his throat. Fry pokes his head through a curtain.]

Fry: (whispering) Pst! We found him!

Farnsworth: Ah! Then without further stalling for time, I present to the Nobel judges the first robot ever turned into a human.

[The curtain slides back. Bender is a huge fat blob. He groans and the scientists gasp.]

Wernstrom: My God! He needs medical attention!

[Zoidberg scans Bender.]

Zoidberg: Pulse, 300; liver, failing; cholesterol, 40?

Leela: Well, that's not so bad.

Zoidberg: No, I mean 40 pounds!

[Farnsworth continues.]

Farnsworth: This, um, scientific breakthrough ... heralds a new dawn in human-robot relations, yes.

[Bender groans and looks at a woman.]

Bender: C'mere and give old Bender a kiss. [The woman cringes.] Hey, you like grilled cheese?

[He takes out some grilled cheese from under a roll of flab.]

Farnsworth: And, um, that's why I believe I deserve the Nobel Prize.

Wernstrom: Not only do you not deserve a Nobel Prize for loosing this bloated man-ball on the world but you are hereby kicked out of the Academy of Science.

[The scientists cheer and applaud.]

Bender: Wait! As men of science are not your minds open to new ideas? I say, do not judge me until you have tried my way of life for yourselves.

[The scientists look at each other.]

Wernstrom: Young man, you have opened our minds and swayed our hearts. Let us therefore--

Bender: (shouting) Party!

[Zoidberg puts Conga on a jukebox and warbles. Enter Fry with a keg and Amy and Hermes with food. Farnsworth cheers.]

[Time Lapse. The drunken scientists are asleep and sitting around in their underwear.]

Wernstrom: Bender, you were right! Truly you have lived more in your one week of being human than the rest of us have in our entire lives.

Bender: Woo!

Wernstrom: And so, to recognise your achievements, I hereby award you the Nobel Prize ... [He takes a medal off a sleeping scientist.] ... in, uh ... [He reads the medal.] ... Chemistry.

[Everyone applauds.]

Farnsworth: Care to say a few words, Bender?

[Bender remains silent. Fry waves his hand across his eyes.]

Fry: He's dead.

[Everyone gasps.]

Wernstrom: When did he die?

[Farnsworth checks Bender's pulse.]

Farnsworth: About 12 hours ago when the party started.

Wernstrom: But he just said, "Woo."

Farnsworth: No, that was air escaping from the folds of his fat. [He pushes the fat and Bender "Woo's" again.] Goodnight, sweet prince. You were the greatest man any of us will ever know. Well, let's get him out of here. He's starting to smell up the joint.

[The rest of the staff roll Bender out and he "Woo's" as he turns over.]

Narrator: (voice-over) You watched it, you can't un-watch it. Stay tuned for more Tales of Interest!

[The What-If Scenario ends.]

[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]

Farnsworth: Who else has a question for the What-If machine? Scruffy? Katrina? Zanfor?

Fry: Ooh, I have one. I'm good at video games and bad at everything else. That's why I wish life were more like a video game.

Farnsworth: Can you put that in the form of a question?

Fry: Uh, what if that thing I said?

[Farnsworth lights a stick of incense.]

Farnsworth: Oh, great machine, we beseech thee. What if life were more like a video game?

[What-If Scene: A video game ship flies around shooting asteroids like in the game Asteroids and lands in the Planet Express hangar.]

[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. The crew walk in. Farnsworth and Hermes sit on the couch watching TV.]

Nixon: [on TV] Good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs and pay attention as I sign an historic peace accord with Ambassador Kong of planet Nintendu 64.

[Donkey Kong stands next to Nixon holding a barrel over his head.]

Fry: Wait a second! I know that monkey. His name is Donkey.

Farnsworth: Monkeys aren't donkeys! Quit messing with my head!

[Cut to: UN Building.]

Nixon: I'll just put the old "John Q. Nixon" on it. [An arm comes out of his jar and he signs the paper "Richard M. Nixon's Head".] There! No major crap-ups. You're on, Mr. Ambassador. [Donkey Kong turns towards Nixon.] What the--

[Donkey Kong throws the barrel at Nixon and his jar flies off the desk. Everyone gasps. Donkey Kong climbs a ladder.]

[Cut to: Outside UN Building. Donkey Kong bounces along the roof and the floors collapse.]

[Cut to: UN Building. Mario, the Italian representative, stands up.]

Mario: Mama Mia! The cruel meatball of war has rolled onto our laps and ruined our white pants of peace!

[He climbs onto the desk and runs away.]

[What-If Scene: MilAtari HQ Corridor. The Planet Express staff and a man walk.]

Man: Mr. Fry, rumour has it you know the secrets of the video game Chance. Please step into the war room.

[A message on the war room door tells him he needs the blue key to enter. He holds it up and the door opens.]

[Cut to: MilAtari HQ War Room.]

Man: You'll be meeting with General Colin Pac-Man.

Pac-Man: Wakka, wakka, wakka, wakka. Let's get down to business. What can you tell us about the Nintendians?

Fry: Well, sir, I spent all of ninth grade studying them, except for that day when my eyeballs started to bleed. And in my opinion--

[A building outside explodes and everyone gasps.]

Pac-Man: Quickly! To the escape tunnels!

[Everyone runs off, wakka-wakka-ing and the background repeats.]

[Cut to: Pac-Man Screen.]

Pac-Man: This way, damnit!

[Zoidberg eats the pellets.]

Zoidberg: Mmm, delicious! Just like stale marshmallows! [The cherry appears in front of him.] Ooh, and a cherry!

[He eats it and carries on running, chasing Fry.]

Fry: Hey, watch out!

[Zoidberg eats him.]

Zoidberg: Uh-oh!

Leela: Oh, my God! He ate Fry! Fry is dead!

[Fry slides up behind them.]

Fry: It's OK. I had another guy!

[Everyone cheers.]

[What-If Scene: Outside Planet Express. Pac-Man and the staff come out of the end of the escape tunnel, gasping.]

Pac-Man: (gasping) Wakka ... wakka, wa--

[Zoidberg coughs up five pellets, a pixilated cherry, a pixilated pretzel and a key. A shadow creeps over them and crude spaceships start destroying buildings.]

Leela: [pointing] Invaders! Possibly from space!

[Lrrr opens the window of a ship and leans out.]

Lrrr: People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet Nintendu 64. Tremble in fear at our three different kinds of ships.

Fry: Alright! It's Saturday night, I have no date, a two-litre bottle of Shasta and my all-Rush mix tape. Let's rock!

[What-If Scene: Fry's Ship. Fry stands at an arcade console listening to Rush's Tom Sawyer. He uses the console to control his ship and attack the Space Invaders. He shoots and destroys a few ships.]

[Cut to: Lrrr's Ship. Lrrr sits in a chair and Nd-Nd is at a console in front of him.]

Nd-Nd: We're losing ships, sir. What are your orders?

Lrrr: Increase speed, drop down and reverse direction!

[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The ships follow his orders.]

[Cut to: Fry's Ship. Fry gulps down some Shasta.]

Fry: I've still got a trick or two up my sleeve. Watch, as I fire upwards through our own shields.

[Everyone gasps.]

Bender: He's a madman! A madman!

[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Fry fires up through the shield and destroys several more ships.]

[Cut to: Fry's Ship.]

Pac-Man: It's working! Victory is assured. My retirement tomorrow will be all the sweeter. [Some Nintendian missiles come through the roof and take a chunk out of Pac-Man. He screams.] I'm hit! So cold!

[He folds over and disappears. Enter Ms. Pac-Man, crying.]

Ms. Pac-Man: (crying) No!

Fry: Amy, tend to the widow Pac-Man.

Ms. Pac-Man: (crying) Wakka, wakka, wakka.

[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Lrrr opens the window.]

Lrrr: Drop down and increase speed.

[Fry destroys another ship. Only Lrrr's ship remains. Zoidberg looks up through the window.]

Zoidberg: (from inside) One ship is left only.

[Cut to: Fry's Ship. Everyone cheers.]

Leela: Come on, Fry! Get it!

Fry: [sweating] It's moving too fast! Oh, I could never get the last one. My brother always got it for me.

[Everyone screams.]

[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Lrrr's ship slices through Fry's shields. Lrrr opens the window.]

Lrrr: Drop down, reverse direction, prepare for landing.

[His ship lands. A "War Over. Congratulations! Enter Initials." caption appears. Fry enters "ASS" and chuckles.]

[Time Lapse. The Planet Express staff stand outside Lrrr's ship. Some steps come down and several arcade characters get out along with Lrrr.]

Lrrr: You are defeated. Instead of shooting where I was, you should have shot at where I was going to be.

Beserk: All your base are belong to us.

Q-Bert: (speaking backwards) Where can a guy get a pair of pants around here?

Fry: What do you monsters want?

Donkey Kong: One thing and one thing only: Quarters! A million allowances worth of quarters! No slugs or tokens.

Beserk: Fork 'em over! Fork 'em over!

Farnsworth: Forget it, you pixilated pirates. We need those quarters to do our laundry.

Amy: Yeah!

Bender: Right on!

Leela: Sure thing, Professor!

Lrrr: But-But space invaders need to do laundry too. I mean look at Donkey Kong here. Have you smelled his loincloth lately?

Zoidberg: Yes.

Amy: Go away! We're not giving you our quarters no matter what.

Lrrr: Well ... then what if we throw our laundry in with yours? Would that be acceptable?

Fry: I guess so.

[Lrrr takes off his cape.]

Lrrr: OK, then. That settles that. But if this cape shrinks, consider your species extinct!

Narrator: (voice-over) Bravo! That'll be hard to top. I pity the next Tale of Interest.

[The What-If Scenario ends.]

[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]

Farnsworth: Well, there's time for one last question. Let's turn to the "Who Ask" machine to see who's next.

[He turns the machine on.]

Who Ask Machine: Um, uh, um ... Amy. [Amy gasps.] I mean Leela.

[Amy groans.]

Leela: OK. [She clears her throat.] As an alien who was abandoned on Earth, I've never really belonged anywhere.

Bender: Boo-hoo.

[She hits him on the back of the head and his eyes fly out and hit Fry.]

Fry: Ow!

[Bender looks around for his eyes.]

Bender: Uh ... where?

Leela: So my question is this: What if I found my true home? [Farnsworth pulls a lever like on a one-armed bandit and hits Leela on the head.] Ow!

[She falls over unconscious.]

[Cut to: Leela's Dream. Nibbler wakes up Leela in the ships cockpit. She is dressed like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz and the scene is in a sepia tone. Leela looks around.]

Leela: Where are we?

[A tornado blows outside the ship. Scruffy, wearing a pointed hat, flies past on a broom and cackles. The ship crashes.]

[Scene: Outside Ship. Leela climbs down the steps. The ship is on its side.]

Leela: Nibbler, I don't think we're in New New York anymore. [She looks around the coloured landscape. A peacock open it's tail like the NBC logo.] Jeez! Apparently the phrase "tone it down" doesn't exist on this planet. [She sees Scruffy has been squashed under the steps.] Oh, no! We hit someone! Quick, back into the ship. [She hesitates.] Ooh! Nice boots!

[Nibbler sniffs them but recoils. Enter Cubert, Dwight, Tinny Tim, a Neptunian elf, a Grunka Lunka and Glurmo all dressed in colourful clothes.]

Cubert: Look, everyone! She killed the Man-Witch of the West!

[Everyone cheers.]

Leela: A witch? That explains how these boots magically appeared on my feet.

[She indicates her feet.]

Small Glurmo #1: No, you stole them. We saw you.

Leela: Well ... i-it's hard to find shoes that fit me. So, anyway, who are you people? Haven't I seen you in some copyrighted movie?

Small Glurmo #1: (singing) We resemble but are legally distinct from the lollipop guild, the lollipop--

[Nibbler eats him. Amy, wearing a pink dress and holding a wand, floats down from the sky in a bubble. She bursts it.]

Amy: Greetings, Leela. I'm the Cute Witch of the North!

Leela: Yeah... Can anyone fix my ship so I can get home?

Amy: Abraca-duh! Just ask the Professor. He lives in the Emerald Laboratory down Martin Luther King Boulevard.

Leela: You mean that yellow brick road?

Amy: The city council renamed it in 1975. (sarcastic) Ooh! Those are great shoes!

Leela: Oh, thank you.

Amy: Do they come in women's sizes?

[Leela presses a button on her wrist machine and the steps come out of the ship and crush Amy.]

[Scene: Martin Luther King Boulevard. Leela walks down the road and passes a scarecrow in a field that looks like Fry. A crow lands on some corn.]

Fry: OK, crow, prepare to be scared. [He gets out Stephen King's Christine.] (reading) And then, "honk, honk," the car honked its own horn!

Leela: Wow! A talking scarecrow. Wanna come with us to see the Professor? He might be able to give you a brain.

Fry: Hey! That's not a nice thing to say.

Bender: Beer! Beer!

Leela: Whiskey OK?

[She pours some into his mouth and he belches fire, igniting Fry's arm. Fry pats out the flames.]

Bender: Now did you say you were off to see the Professor? 'Cause I could use a heart -- a human heart. I need to pump a lot of blood out of my basement.

[A yellow cab pulls up and Zoidberg steps out.]

Zoidberg: And I'm the other guy, courage. Not enough of it. Need some from whatshisname.

[Time Lapse. The gang skip down the yellow brick boulevard.]

[Cut to: Mom's Castle. Mom, the witch, watches it on her TV. The picture crackles and she hits the TV repeatedly.]

Mom: Damn this DSL! [She cackles and opens a cage, letting out her flying monkey-sons.] Fly, my stupids! Fly out and get them!

Igner: But, Mom, you promised you'd bake monkey cake today.

Mom: By "monkey cake" I meant your ass!

[She slaps them and they fly away.]

[Cut to: Martin Luther King Boulevard. The foursome continue to skip.]

Fry: Man, we've been skipping for hours. I need to pull over and take the wiz.

[Walt, Larry and Igner swoop down and take Fry, Leela and Bender.]

Zoidberg: What, do I smell or something?

[He sniffs his armpit and groans.]

[Scene: Mom's Castle.]

Leela: Why did you bring us here?

Zoidberg: And why did I have to take a cab?

Mom: I'll tell you why I brought you here, you twice-baked barf bags: Because I've always wanted a daughter to love. You want to get adopted, you little skank?

Leela: And live here? And be a witch like you? Yeah, alright. As long as I get to hurt people and not just dance around at the equinox.

Mom: Absolutely.

Leela: Oh, Mommy! I found my true home!

[They hug and Zoidberg, Fry and Bender cheer.]

Bender: Hooray!

Zoidberg: Alright!

Fry: That's great, Leela.

Bender: I've heard worse excuses to drink. [He opens the bottle and it sprays over Mom.] Oops!

[Purple smoke emanates from Mom.]

Mom: I'm melting! Oh, who would have thought a small amount of liquid would ever fall on me?

[She melts until there is nothing left of her but a puddle.]

Bender: Well, no point letting her go to waste.

[He takes a straw out of his chest cabinet and drinks the puddle of Mom.]

[Scene: Outside The Professor's Laboratory. A cab pulls up outside the green building which looks like the Planet Express building and everyone gets out. Leela knocks on the door and Hermes slides a peephole across.]

Hermes: (from inside) Yes?

Leela: We're here to see the Professor.

Hermes: (from inside) No one sees the mighty Professor.

Farnsworth: (from inside) Who's there, Hermes? Is it visitors? I want to see them.

Hermes: (shouting; from inside) It's nobody. Now sign that will I gave you! [He turns to Leela.] He's not here.

Leela: Oh, for the love of Benji!

[She pokes him in the eyes and opens the door. The four walk in.]

[Cut to: The Professor's Laboratory. Farnsworth, with a big head, stands behind a curtain.]

Farnsworth: I am the Professor, great and ... uh ... forgetful! [Nibbler pulls back the curtain revealing Farnsworth's big head on a small body.] Now, what do you nice kids want?

Zoidberg: Nothing! I'm leaving. But if you have extra courage I'd haul it away for you, maybe?

Farnsworth: Oh, blithery poop, my cowardly lobster! You don't need courage. After all, who needs courage when you have a gun?

[He hands Zoidberg a gun and he takes it, spins it around on his claw and mimics gunfire.]

Zoidberg: No, world, you put your hands up!

Farnsworth: And you, lad, all you need is brain.

Fry: Why does everyone keep saying that?

[Bender takes Zoidberg's gun.]

Bender: This is a stick-up. Gimme the bag, old man!

[Farnsworth chuckles.]

Farnsworth: Here you go, my friend. 5000 Professor Land fun bucks.

Bender: Oh, crap.

[He fans the notes. Farnsworth turns to Leela.]

Farnsworth: As for you, young lady, you want to go home, right?

Leela: No, not anymore. I wanna stay here and become the new Wicked Witch.

Farnsworth: Nonsense. Now click your big, honking boots together three times and wish to go home to Kansas, to live in poverty with your dirt-farming, teetotalling aunt and uncle.

Leela: Uh, alright. Here I go. [She clicks her boots together three times.] There's no place like-- I wanna be a witch! [She turns into a witch, complete with pointed hat. Everyone gasps and she turns Fry, Farnsworth and Bender into frogs and laughs. Water falls on her from above and she starts to melt.] Oh, no! Help! What's happening?

Zoidberg: Uh, sorry. I think there's a problem with your upstairs toilet.

[He stands on the stairs, pulling up his scrubs. Leela moans as she melts.]

[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender throws a bucket of water on her.]

Bender: Wake up!

[Leela coughs and splutters.]

Fry: Leela, are you alright? You got wanged on the head.

Leela: I was having the most wonderful dream. [She points at Fry, Amy and Zoidberg.] Except you were there, and you were there, and you were there.

Fry: Never mind, Professor. She came to.

[Enter Farnsworth with a box marked "Leela's Organs".]

Farnsworth: Oh! So close.

[Hermes puts his hand on Farnsworth's shoulder.]

Hermes: There's always next year, Professor. There's always next year.

[Closing Credits.]

Written By

Lewis Morton (I, Meatbag)
David X. Cohen (Raiders Of The Lost Arcade)
Jason Gorbett & Scott Kirby (Wizzin')

Directed By

Brett Haaland


Billy West
Katey Sagal
John DiMaggio
Tress MacNeille

Also Starring

Maurice LaMarche

Guest Starring

Dave Herman
Phil LaMarr
Lauren Tom
Frank Welker
Kath Soucie

Transcribed: 28/06/03