Futurama

5acv03: Bender's Big Score, part 3
Transcribed by Red_Line

[Scene: Exterior PE Building, 3007. Cut to interior shot of Bender with gun putting on sunglasses.]

Bender: Preparing to terminate Philip Fry.

Schlump: What's with the doofy sun glasses?

Bender: It's really bright in the past.

[Bender recites time code and disappears into the time sphere. A second later he emerges from a trap door in the floor]

Bender: [crying] Mission accomplished.

Schlump: Fry is dead?

Bender: No other robot could have done it. It took twelve years of tireless stalking but I hunted down and killed my best friend. [cries] I'm the greatest.

[Fleb inserts the head cleaning cassette into Bender's mouth. His eyes revert to their normal appearance]

Head cleaner: Time code and obedience virus erased.

Bender: Huh?

Head cleaner: Also, fifty terabytes of porn.

Bender: Hey!

Nudar: You've got no porn, no code, and you're ugly. Let's dance.

[The aliens dance and sing. Bender spits out the head cleaner which embeds itself in Nudar's flab]

[Scene: Central Park. A picnic table with a framed photo of Fry on it]

Leela: Now it's true we'll all miss Fry.

Zoidberg: He was the only one of you who never struck me.

Leela: And we'll never see if boyish smile and hair horn again. But I bet he went back to his own time. I'm sure he was very happy and lived to a ripe old age.

Bender: He wasn't and he didn't!

[Crew gasps]

Bender: Struggling alone again incredible odds, I, Bender, managed to kill him. [crys] I blew him to mush like a midget in a microwave. [crys]

Crew: gasps.

Amy: Awww, don't blame yourself Bender.

Bender: I don't blame myself, I blame all of you.

Amy: Us?! How can you possibly blame us?

Bender: It ain't easy. It just proves how great I am. [breaks down and crys] Ohhh, Fry, I'd give anything to un-murder you.

Fry: Did someone call me?

Bender: No. [gasps] Fry? [runs to Fry] But ... I killed you in 2012. Unless ...

[Bender punches Fry in the stomach]

Fry: ooph!

Bender: Nope, he not a zombie.

[Crew cheers]

Lars: Welcome back Fry.

Fry: [sarcastic] Thank you Lars.

Lars: [to Leela] I .. ah ... I .. I'll see you later honey.

Farnsworth: So tell us Fry, If Bender killed you centuries ago, how in Satan's glorious name did you return?

Fry: Ohh, it's an astonishing tale of incredibleness. It all began when I went back in time.

Farnsworth: Duhhh.

[Scene: exterior of Panucci's Pizza, January 1, 2000, 1:00 A.M. Fry pets Seymour, then enters the building]

Fry: Hey Mr. Panucci, I'm back from the delivery to the cryogenic lab.

Panucci: Great. I'll put you on the cover of Big Whoop magazine.

Fry: Mmmm, I'm starving. Can I have a slice?

[Panucci take a slice of pizza from the garbage and puts it on the counter]

Panucci: Help yourself. Cash up front.

[Fry pull out his wallet that only had future money in it]

H.G. Blob on bill: This note is legal tender.

Fry: (VO) Unfortunately, I had no money from that era. But that's when it hit me - I knew where to find free pizza.

[scene: Cryogenics lab. Fry takes a slice of Pizza]

Fry: [groans] Ohh, ice cold.

Fry: (VO) That's when it hit me again ...

Fry: But an hour ago this pizza's still luke warm. [unzips pants and reads time code off his ass] zero zero one one zero ...

[Scene: Cryogenics lab, one hour earlier. Fry appears from the timesphere and takes a slice of pizza.]

Bender: (OC) Explosion in seven, six ...

[In background past Fry kicks Bender into the cryotube]

past Fry: It'll be a cold day in hell my friend.

Bender: Five ... hey, I'm supposed to be the one saying cold day in ...

Fry: Nice kick me.

Past Fry: Thanks. What are you doing here?

Fry: One hour from now, I travel back in time for free pizza.

Past Fry: But Nibbler said not to use the time code.

Fry: Fine, Mr. responsible, don't use the code. Mmmmm. That pizza sure was good.

Past Fry: You pig.

Fry: Whatever.

Fry: (VO) That's when it hit me yet a third time ...

Fry: [slaps himself on the forehead] You idiot, frozen me's still got a wallet full of old timey money.

[Fry goes to tube #40, opens the door, and reaches around frozen Fry, touching his ass on the tattoo.]

Fry: Yuck, I touched my own butt.

[Fry slips on the overturned chair and falls into the cryotube]

[Scene: transition to Fry unthawing as in 1ACV01. Fuy pull up frozen Fry's pants just before he thaws out. Frozen Fry steps out of the tube and stretches. Fry resets the tubes for 7.95 years and pulls the door shut. transition to Fry in Central Park.]

Fry: So I unfroze ten minutes ago and I walked over here and then it was now and then I don't know what happened.

Bender: Well, I'm glad you're alive, but I don't want people to say I'm incompetent so I better kill you again. Hold still.

Farnsworth: Bender! Stop killing for a minute. The Fry you murdered was doomed anyway. See?

[Fansworth switches on a holo projector in his belt buckle which shows the equations from his lab backboard.]

Bender: What'd ya got there? Numbers?

Farnsworth: When the time code duplicates a living thing, the copy is always doomed. And that includes flabby Jamaican potbellies.

Hermes: Kiss my front butt.

Fry: So my copy lives twelve years before Bender murdered him?

Bender: Brutally murdered.

Fry: I wonder what his life was like?

Scruffy: I guess we'll never know.

Zoidberg: Or will we?

Scruffy: Nope.

Narrator: They won't know, but you will. Lucky you.

[Scene: exterior of Panucci's Pizza, January 1, 2000, 1:01 A.M. Fry pets Seymour, then enters the building]

Fry: Oh hey Mr. Panucci, I'm back from the delivery to the cryogenic lab.

Panucci: I know. I read about it in Big Whoop magazine.

Fry: So ... uh ... my girlfriend kicked me out. Can I rent the upstairs storage room?

Panucci: The upstairs storage? [Laughs] I like you kid. Your lousy life makes me feel good about myself. The room's yours. Here, take some rat spray for the meat ball hamper.

[Fade to a room outfitted as an apartment with odds and ends. Fry hangs a Family Guy 2000 calendar on the wall. Montage of Fry and Seymour biking through traffic, Fry eating lunch at his parents house, playing basketball with Yancy, and finally Fry in his apartment looking at a picture of Leela and Lars and crying. Pull back to exterior of Panucci's.]

[Scene: Central Park, New New York. Hermes is shaking Fry's hand]

Hermes: Happy Day mon. It's good to have you back.

Nibbler: Indeed, but the scammers will soon sprunje the code again. We must remove the time tattoo at once, and as painlessly as possible.

[Scene: Close up of Fry screaming. Pull back to reveal Fry's apartment, he's being held down on the couch by Farnsworth, Bender, and Bubblegum Tate while Nibbler uses a laser beam like ray from his eye stalk to burn the tattoo off Fry's behind. Leela and Lars are watching the hallway through a crack in the door. The scammers are seen approaching in the hallway.]

Lars: Hurry, they're coming.

Nibbler: There, the code is gone. I save the space-time continuum and forty percent of your rectum.

Bubblegum: That's all you need.

[The scammers burst through the door, shoving Lars and Leela aside]

Nudar: I sprunje code.

Nibbler: Too late Nudar. I've wiped Fry's butt clean.

Nudar: [sniffing] We'll see about that.

[Scene: PE hanger. Fry has his pants down while Nudar hold him at gunpoint. Schlump and Fleb crawl around him sprunging.]

Fleb: Nothing boss. We sprunged his ass inside and out.

Schlump: The only information we found was a hair shaped like the number six.

Nudar: [taking hair] Give me that. [eats hair] mmm. Nine. Alright, let him go, I guess the time code really is gone.

Fry: Thank god. The present may stink, but at least now we can look forward to a better yesterday.

[Scene: Panucci's, 2003]

Fry: I'm sorry Leela, I can't keep living in the past, by which I mean the future. I'll always love you, but I've got to move on and find my life's purpose.

TV: ... and that how Bundles the monkey finally found a friend.

Fry: I miss Morbo.

TV: And finally tonight on the late, cute animal news, a story that will really tug your heartstrings, way more than bundles, the doll-raping monkey. It's the tale of lonely Leelu, the little orphan narwhal.

Fry: Awww.

Dr. Shlivinowitz: (on TV) Leelu is a rare, toothed female narwhal who got disoriented and washed up in Atlantic City, as we all do from time to time. But without a mother, she's lost the will to eat. [offering bottle to Leelu] come on, take a sip.

Fry: I know how to make things eat. Maybe this is my purpose in life.

[Scene: New York Aquarium]

Fry: Hi, I'd like to apply for a job working with Leelu.

Dr. Shlivinowitz: Question number one, do you have any experience working with marine mammals?

Fry: No, but I think they're pretty neat.

Dr. Shlivinowitz: That answers question number two. Question number three, do you know where the door is or would you prefer to be kicked out?

Fry: I don't know. I guess kicked out.

[Leelu appears over the edge of the tank next to Fry]

Fry: Hiya girl. My name's Fry, and I think you're a cutie 'cause I like things that have only one thing instead of two things.

[Fry picks a fish out of a bucked and feed it to Leelu]

Dr. Shlivinowitz: Holy mackerel, she's eating whole mackerel. I don't know what your secret is but if you'll work for minimum wage you can start tomorrow.

Fry: If I work of less than minimum, can I start today?

Dr. Shlivinowitz: I don't see why not.

[Scene: PE building]

Morbo: (on TV) In business news, the weak and gullible inhabitants of Earth were plunged into economic depression today as the scammer aliens finished stealing every item of value, including ownership of this station.

Linda: (on TV) [laughs]

[A trap door opens and Morbo and Linda drop out of sight. The TV shuts off.]

Nudar: Tough times earth chumps. We're repossessing your TV. Seems you can't afford it now that you're unemployed.

Zoidberg: We're not unemployed ...

[Scene: Exterior of PE, the crew hold boxes of personal items as the door slams closed behind them.]

[Scene: Exterior of the Head Museum. Sign reads "Going out of business sale. Wayans heads, 3 for a dollar". Cut to interior, door opens, Lars looks around and then motions to Leela.]

Lars: I love the hard museum at night. It's where I come to be alone.

Heads: Hi Lars.

Charles de Gaulle's head: Ah, Lars and la belle Leela. I trust you brought some haute cuisine for an old Frenchman.

Lars: You're favorite General, Torgo's Executive Powder.

de Gaulle: Mmmm. Magnifique.

Lars: Come on Leela, let me show you the hall of screaming skulls.

[Scene: an exhibit of screaming skulls.]

Leela: It's so romantic. [turns away from Lars and cries]

Lars: What's wrong? Is the screaming depressing you?

Leela: It's just ... my life is changing so fast. I don't know who I am anymore.

Lars: I know who you are. You're the woman I've been waiting for all my life.

[Lars and Leela kiss.]

Leela: Let's go to my place.

[Scene: exterior Leela's apartment building. The buildings on each side of it are gone, replaced with piles of rubble. A wrecking ball swings in and demolishes Leela's building. Pull back through a chain link fence to reveal Leela and Lars.]

Lars: I ... like what you've done with it.

Leela: [reading from a sign on the fence] "All tenants evicted, signed new owners"?

Nudar: That would be us, dump cakes. We're buying the whole city and turning it into a private panda hunting reserve.

Leela: There aren't any Pandas in New New York.

Schlump: Back it up, Sal.

[A dump truck backs in and dumps a load of Pandas. Leela scowls]

[Scene: NNY skyline, snow is falling. Pan down to an alley where the crew stands around a barrel with rubbish burning in it.]

Amy: Look at us, living like trash eating bums in an alley now.

Zoidberg: Yes. Now.

Tiny Tim: And on Xmas eve, the most wonderful night of the [Bender trips him] ooofff.

Bender: Oops.

Farnsworth: Well, at least we have each other, so it truly is the worst Xmas ever.

[A strong wind suddenly blows, distorting Farnsworth's face. Santabot flies overhead]

Hermes: [pointing] Santa!

Santa: Ah, the Planet Express crew. According to my list [Bender mimicking] you've all been very naughty. I'll be back for you after I collect my milk and cookies from starving orphans.

[Santa flies away]

Fry: That's it. I don't see how things could get any worse.

Bender: We could sing.

Farnsworth: I'd rather kill myself.

Amy: Why not do both?

Farnsworth: Oh, very well.

[Farnsworth climbs onto a door step with effort.

Farnsworth: [Singing] I may as well jump. Those sleazy naked scammers make me look like a chump.

Bender: [off camera] Eh.

Farnsworth: [singing] They robbed me of my dignity and most of my stuff.

Leela: [singing] Lars brought me candy.

Fry, Amy, Zoidberg, Bender, Tiny Tim, and Nibbler: [singing] Cram it down and shut the hell up!

Hermes: [singing] I can't compete with that.

[View through a telescope at a boarded up building with LeBarabra and Barbados Slim visible in a window]

Hermes: [singing] He's Barbados Slim and I'm Jamaican fat. Who would choose a backwards corpse with lice in his hair.

Leela: [singing] Lars says I'm dreamy.

Fry, Zoidberg, Amy, Tiny Tim, Bender, Farnsworth: [singing] Who the hell cares?

Bender: [singing] Oh, won't somebody shoot her please and put her out of our misery?

Santa: [at head of alley holding weapons] That's my cue.

[Santa opens fire, crew runs screaming. Santa dances and shoots]

Tiny Tim: Oh my word!

Fry: [watching Lars and Leela hugging across the alley, singing] Lars makes me puke. I bet she'd love me too if I was a blad headed kook.

Leela: Hey, guess what guys!

Zoidberg: What?

Leela: [singing] While we were huddled in fear, Lars popped the question. [Leela displays a diamond ring]

Fanrsworth: [singing] Congradulations.

Zoidberg: [singing] Mazel tov.

Amy: [singing] May stars in heaven bless your love.

Bender: [singing] I think I'm gonna cry 'cause it's an extra happy Xmas this year.

Fry: Now could things get any worse.

[Santa appears over head]

Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho.

[Santa drops a small metal xmas tree with a ticking clock on it. The crew screams.]

Lars: Stop screaming. That's just what the bomb wants us to do.

Zoidberg: I say do what it tells us. [screams and clacks claws]

Lars: Don't worry, a bomb in a case is just like a head in a jar.

[Lars opened the bomb and sprinkles in some Torgo's executive powder. The bomb stops ticking. The crew except Fry cheers]

Leela: [hugging Lars] Oh Lars! No blowing us up make me love you even more.

Fry: [grumbling] Life saving goody goody ...

Farnsworth: Well now that death has been staved off momentarily, let me be the first to say congratulations Leela and Lars.

[Crew except Fry cheers]

Amy: [raising hand] Maid of honor!

Zoidberg: [raising claw an instant later] Maid of honor! Ohhh.

Fry: [quietly] I could make you happy too, if only you'd give me a chance.

[Scene: New York Aquarium, 2006, cut to Leelu's tank: Fry with a plunger on his head sword fights with Leelu.]

[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's tank, 2008: Fry is in an inflatable raft holding a fish. Leelu comes up through the bottom of the raft. Fry hugs Leelu and laughs as the raft sinks.]

[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's tank, 2010: Leelu flies out of the water and does a back flip. A moment later Fry does the same thing, landing at a desk with a sign that says "Philip J. Fry, Ass't Director.]

[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's tank: Fry is sitting on the edge petting Leelu]

Dr. Shlivinowitz: You've done a wonderful job Fry. When you first started, I thought she'd be dead within a narweek, which is six days I believe.

Fry: Nah. Leelu's a champ. She just needed someone to show her how to eat. [Fry tosses a fish into his mouth, and another into Leelu's mouth]

Dr. Shlivinowitz: Now that the kind of whale behavioral science they don't teach you in whale behavioral science class.

Fry: So what's up Dr. Shlivinowitz?

Dr. Shlivinowitz: [sighs] This is a little hard for me to say Fry. You see, it's ... it's time we released Leelu back into the wild.

[Fry coughs up a fish skeleton]

Dr. Shlivinowitz: I'm sorry. The decision is final. Plus we need the tank for the Loch Ness monster.

[Scene: in the back ground a crane is lowering something vaguely monstery]

Fry: But that turned out to be a log with a Halloween mask stapled to it.

[Scene: a log with a Halloween mask stapled to it slung from the crane.]

Dr. Shlivinowitz: Yes, well, it still draws a crowd.

Fry: [crying] I can't let this happen, she'll never be happy without me.

[Scene: fade to picture of Lars and Leela in formal clothes. Pull back to reveal it's a wedding invitation that reads "You are cordially asked to attend the wedding of Turanga Leela & Lars Fillmore Sunday, December 27th, 3007 @ 4 O'Clock"]

[Scene: Exterior of Elzars. Sign reads "Today's specials cream of nothing". Cut to interior. A line of down and out looking people get bowls filled at a window with a sign in AL1 that reads "human broth". Pad to Elzar, Leela, and Lars]

Elzar: I know you're broke and homeless but you still want a swank wedding reception so I whipped you up some real nice budge appetizers.

Lars: [tasting one] Mmmm. I can keep these down.

Elzar: Ok! That's a bid yes on the crud puffs. Try the shlimp cocktail.

[Elzar wiggles a dead crustacean in a martini glass. Pan to Fry and Bender at another table]

Fry: There must be some way I can stop this wedding. What if I steal the wedding ring.

Bender: Already taken care of. [Bender displays a diamond ring on his finger]

Fry: You think that'll be enough to stop the ceremony.

Bender: Nope. I pulled the old switcheroo, so they won't even know the difference. Wait a minute, I think the copy I made cost more than this.

Fry: Cheap lousy Lars.

Bender: [examining the ring through a jeweler's loupe] Actually this is extremely nice, but I really went all out on the copy. It was sorta my gift to them.

Fry: I can't let this happen. She'll never be happy without me.

[Scene: fade to New York City Docks, 2010. Fry, accompanied by Panucci in a wheel chair watch a crane hoisting Leelu onto a ship]

Fry: It's not fair, we need each other.

Panucci: Fry you dumb sack, I don't care about your problems at all. [coughs]

Fry: You need your blanket Mr. Panucci.

Panucci: I don't even want to be here. I only came 'cause you wheeled me. But if that Narwal means so much to you, you gotta do something.

Fry: I know. But I can't just go chasing after her. That'd be nuts.

Panucci: Ah, Sometimes you gotta be a little nuts. Let me introduce you to my cousin. He owns a small freighter. That's him, right behind us.

Fry: [to Panucci] Maybe you're right. [to Panucci's cousin] Sir, I'd like to engage your ship for a trans-Arctic voyage to capture a Narwhal and bring it back to my room.

Panucci: The mans is nuts, Leroy.

Leroy: Professional whale keeper, eh? I've carried your type before and we don't get along. Oh, I agree with your values and your goals and your methods, but somehow we just never click on a personal level.

Fry: I'm not a professional anymore. Just a Narwal loving private citizen.

LeRoy: Then I'm you man. We'll take on three barrels of fresh sausage and sail at dawn.

[Scene: fade to exterior of the First Amalgamated Church, December 27, 3007. Cut to interior, Dr. Cahill wheels in a cart several heads on it, including George Bush Sr. Leonard Nemoy, Jacques Cousteau, Mat Groening, and Charles de Gaulle]

Terry: [theatrically] Welcome to the wedding.

Fry: [to Bender] It's a fool proof plan. They can't sign the wedding license if I give them a pen with no ink. [laughs and exchanges pens]

Bender: Yeah, once they try to sign that license, all hell will break look. [rolls eyes up, muttering] Oy vey.

LeBarbara: Go on now, mon, don' cha' know nothin' about zippin' up a woman's frock?

Slim: [struggling with the zipper on LeBarbar's dress] It's more my thing to zip 'em down. [laughs]

Hermes: Get your clumsy, muscular hands off my woman, Barbados.

LeBarbara: Hermes! Your body!

Slim: I always said you were a little backward.

Hermes: Well, I always said you were a little forward ... with my wife.

Bystanders: ohhh!

Herems: [zips up LeBarbara frock] Consider yourself bird dogged.

LeBarbara: That's my man. Take a boat, Barbados.

[Slim leaves grumbling]

Bubblegum: Brother, you gots to tell that sweet thing your time duplicate body is doomed.

Hermes: Tomorrow morning. After the 'festivities'.

Bubblegum: [Nudging Hermes and spinning a basketball on his finger] Yow, baby!

[The Robot Devil band plays the wedding march, Leela enters escorted by the Professor with Nibbler scattering flower petals in front of them]

Munda: [from a grating beneath the asile] Our little girl is finally getting married. And to a normal two eyed human.

Morris: He's not good enough for her. Leela deserves a guy with a dozen eyes.

Munda: Quit trying to fix her up with Fly Mutant. [A humanoid with large fly eyes behind them buzzes and licks fluid off one eye]

Minister: Dearly liked, we are gathered here before one or more gods, or fewer, to joining this couple in pretty good matrimony. If anyone objects to this union, let them speak now or forever hold their piece, or do something else.

[Fry chuckles and taps the empty pen]

[Scene: North Pole, 2012: Fry, with beard and mustache, looks through binoculars. Cut to a ship amongst ice floes.]

Leroy: It's been two years, Fry. We've caught a hundred and eight narwhals and set them all free again.

Fry: None of them were Leelu.

Fufu: But all of them were edible.

Atanarjuat: [pointing] Can we at least eat that one? I'm sick of sausage.

Fry: [looking through binoculars, gasps] I'd know that modified extended tooth anywhere. To the boats!

[Scene: Leelu swimming on the surface. Pan to Fry in a small boat] Leelu! Leelu! It's me, Fry.

[Leelu grunts and swims to the boat]

Fry: [hugging Leelu] Oh, I've missed you too, Leelu. But we'll never be apart again because we care too much for each other. Fire!

[Scene: Wedding]

Minister: Now, if the couple will sign the wedding license.

[Fry nudges Bender, who rolls his eyes. Leela attempts to sign, but the pen won't work. Lars gives her another one and she attempts to throw the dead one over her shoulder, poking Hermes in the eye. Hermes stumbles, trips over a rope bringing a chandelier down upon him, severing his head, impaling, and electrocuting his body.]

Farnsworth: I warned him. I warned him a time paradox duplicate is always doomed.

Lars: [surprised] What?

LeBarbara: Oh, no, my man! He's essentially dead again.

Dr. Cahill: Relax ma'am. Your husband's original body will be repaired within one week.

LeBarbara: Nah uh uh. Not soon enough. Boy needs a daddy.

Slim: Cruel runnings mon. [laughs]

[Dr. Cahill dumps Hermes head in the jar with Charles De Gaulle]

Dr. Cahill: Woopsy-doopsy, poopsy.

Hermes: Well, let's get on with it. Don't let my doomed body and my doomed marriage stand in the way of your happiness.

Lars: No, it's not right. We don't want our happy day tainted by misfortune and tragedy, do we?

Leela: I'm OK with it.

Lars: No, it's not right. The wedding is off.

[Lars leaves, crowd gasps]

Bender: Oh my goodness! [starts stealing the wedding gifts]

Fry: [snickering] Finally, a happy ending.

[Leela cries]

Transcribed: 2008/06/06