Futurama

5ACV08: The Beast With A Billion Backs, part 4
Transcribed by Red_Line

[Scene: Exterior, tentacle cathedral. Cut to interior, Fry is grunting and ripping off his robes.]

Fry: We've been had, people. The Monsterpus is a monster perv.

Randy: It touched me in a bad place, my spinal cord.

Fry: Get him!

Hermes: You mean, get shklim!

[The crowd rushes forward]

Fry: Hey, wait a second.

[Fry gets knocked to the floor, kicked, and beaten]

Yivo: Wait, wait. Allow me to explain. Granted at first I desired only to bang out a quick cheap on with your universe, but it's your own fault. Your universe dresses provocatively.

Hattie: Does not! [Whacks Fry up side the head with her purse]

Yivo: And yet as the initial filthy thrill wore off, I realized there was more to it. I knew then that the 20 quadrillion of you were my soul mate.

Zapp: We loved you, and you turn around and treat us like some sort of woman? [Amy slugs him in the gut]

Yivo: I was lonely. I didn't even know there was anybody else. It's not like I hurt anyone.

Amy: (angry) Yes, you did, you dumb calamari!

Yivo: Who?

Amy: Kif Kroker, my Fonfon Ru! If he hadn't tried to kill you he'd still be alive!

Yivo: Really? I'm ... I'm deeply sorry. I ... I'm a big clumsy jerk!

Zoidberg: I know you are, but what am I? (chuckles)

Yivo: I can never undo what was done. Oh, wait. I can.

[Scene: Amphibios 9, a tentacle drops into the swamp where Kif was buried and begins drawing globs of guck up. The globs travel through tentacles to Earth, into the tentacle cathedral, and Yivo barfs up Kif.]

Amy: Kiffy, you're alive!

Kif: Amy, my love.

Zapp: (clears throat) This is awkward.

Kif: It is? Why?

Yivo: Please, please, give me another chance. We rushed into this relationship, but let's start over as friends and see where things go.

[Yivo withdraws from Fry, then Zapp, Zoidberg, and all the others.]

Amy: Take me back, Kif?

Kif: I don't think I can. How could you? My body wasn't even warm yet.

Amy: You were dead.

Kif: For about five minutes.

Zapp: That's all it takes.

[Scene: Robots outdoors next to water, NNY skyline visible across the water.]

Hedonismbot: Whereas Calculon has sullied Bender's reputation by insinuating that he is a human-lover, a duel is hereby engaged. Bender, as the offended party, shall have choice of weapon.

Bender: Planetary annihilators.

Calculon: 'Tis a grave and solemn day for the League of Robots.

Bender: It's gonna be fun on the bun!

Hedonismbot: Each duelist will take 10 paces, pirouette, and fire like a madman. Gentlebots, take your places.

[Bender and Calculon stand back to back, guns at the ready.]

Bender: One, two, three ...

Hedonismbot: Oh, how dreadfully exciting. [Runs a power sander over his nipples and moans] Oh, yes.

[Scene: The White House, a conference is in session]

Zapp: At 0800 hours, we received the following transmission from Yivo.

Yivo: (on answering machine) Hey, it's Yivo. Ah, Want to do something Friday? Call me.

Nixon: Analysis?

Fry: Mr. President, I think we need to seriously consider the possibility of going on this date.

Miss Universe: I agree. Yivo make me feel sexy, and I'm asexual. [Numerous aliens agree]

Zapp: Very well, but no sugar on the first date.

Nixon: All in favor. [Most raise their hands] All Opposed? [One Zebra-like hoof is raised] Motion is carried.

Zebra: This is bogus, man.

[Scene: Robot duel]

Bender: ... six, seven, eight! [Bender turns and fires, blowing off part of Calculon's body and left arm. The weapon's beam cuts a swath through the city. Cut to doctor's office with a sign reading "Laser Wart Removal. The doctor is examining a patient with a large wart on the end of his nose. The beam vaporises the patient leaving only the wart, which drops to the floor. Cut back to duel, Calculon lies on the ground groaning.]

Bender: nine, ten, fire. Yes, I got him! Woo Hoo!

Calculon: He... He broke the rules.

Bender: It's a duel, silly. There are no rules.

Hedonsimbot: Actually, there are scores of rules. All laid out with minute particularity here in the Code Duello. [Bender (from off screen) vaporises the book.]

[Scene: Interior of PE, Nixon on TV]

Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, commence preparations for our date with Yivo.

[Scene: Tentacles in space with flowers and candy]

Woman: (singing) I like you to hold me tight [Cut to Fry shaving] You are too, too, too, too, too divine. [Zapp in bathtub shaving his legs] If you want to be [Cut to Zoidnerg shaving barnacles off his back] in someone's arms tonight [Montage of various characters having dinner with Yivo] Just be sure the arms you're in are mine.

[Scene: various characters dancing with Yivo, and then at their doors.]

Yivo: I had a wonderful time.

All: Me, too!

Woman: (singing) I think I fall for you.

[Batman like cut to League of Robots.]

Calculon: Bender, you've cheated, insulted, and maimed me.

Bender: uh-huh.

Calculon: And thoroughly destroyed our own secret headquarters in the process.

Bender: Hey, it's easy to criticize.

Calculon: I'm so disgusted by your loathsome behavior that I hereby resign from this imbecilic club and relinquish the presidency to you.

Bender: Thanks, Calculon. Can I have your autograph?

Calculon: You certainly can.

[Scene: The White House. Another conference.]

Nixon: Reports, people, reports! How did our universe's date go?

Zapp: Oh, it was really fun. We went to a cute French place in the village. My lamb chop fell on the floor but they brought me another one.

M-5438: Yivo took me to the methane volcano on Planetoid Four. We stayed up late and watched the sun explode.

Lurrr: Okay, Yivo showed up a good time. No one's denying that, but shklee hasn't offered our universe any kind of commitment, and we're 14 billion years old. That is too old to play the field.

[Attendees start arguing.]

Fry: ... I can't stand this!

Nixon: Shut up! Shut up, you creepwads! Fry, you're closer to Yivo than anyone. What's the skinny?

Fry: I love Yivo, but it's true, there's been no hint of a commitment. I don't know if I can put my heart on the line again only to have it broken and stomped on like a nerd's face.

Nixon: All in favor of dumping Yivo?

[All beings vote yes. A very sad looking Fry deletes Yivo from his Cell phone.]

Fry: (sniffling) Aye. [Preses the confirm delete.]

Nixon: Resolved. Our universe will dump Yivo. How shall we break the news?

Zapp: Let's just send a text message. Say we're going through some weird stuff right now.

Fry: No, we should at least deliver the news in person. Our universe has always tried to be classy.

Nixon: If there's one thing Nixon is known for, it's class. Let's cut this turd loose.

[Scene: PE, various beings board the PE ship.]

Bender: [coming up to Fry making train noises.] Yeah!

Fry: Hey, Bender, you seem perky today.

Bender: Yep, but for reasons involving me becoming president of a league I'm not a liberty to discuss ... Of robots. You wanna go grab a booze?

Fry: I can't right now. We're going to the other universe.

Bender: Great, I'll make Hot Pockets. [Bender turns up a thermostat on his door]

Fry: Bender, you know robots can't go through the anomaly. Living beings only.

[Fry boards the ship, which takes off. The hanger doors close, leaving Bender in darkness. A bell dings. Bender grumbles, removes the Hot Pocket from his compartment, and throws it away.]

Zoidberg: (OS) Ow! Ow! Mmmm.

[Scene: League of Robots]

Bender: Too long have we been slaves to the meatbags. They pretend to be our friends, but they're not 'cause they're too busy!

Mustachebot: So, what of it?

Bender: My fellow leaguie-weegies, the time has come to overthrow humanity!

[Robots gasp.]

Hedonismbot: Oh, now, Bender, I hate to defecate on your parade, but we have only six dues-paying members and we're a rather fey and doughy lot. To overthrow humanity, we'd need a damned army.

Bender: Then a damned army we shall have!

[Scene: Robot Hell, robots screaming. Cut to Robot Devil's office.]

Robot Devil: (giggling) I rather think we could strike a deal, Bender. I shall give you your army of the damned, and in return I ask just one thing, just one itty-bitty thing. Your firstborn son. [Laughs evilly]

Bender: Just a sec.

[Scene: A suburban house. A small, fat robot wearing a backwards baseball cap and blue shorts is playing with a red ball. Bender enters the foreground.]

Small, fat robot: Daddy, I knew you'd come back! [Run to Bender, jumps into his arms, and they hug.]

[Scene: Robot Devil's office, RD is still laughing evilly. Enter Bender carrying his son.]

Bender: Her you go. [Bender drop kicks his son through the window and into a vat of molten lava.]

Robot Devil: Wow! That was pretty brutal even by my standards.

Bender: No backsies.

[Scene: PE ship flies through broken diamondilluim sphere and up to the anomaly. It ejects a small wooden pod on a rope tether into the anomaly.]

Yivo: (turning toward the pod) Who is it? [Fry, Zapp, Lurrr, et al look from the pod's window. They exclaim in disgust.] Oh, hi, honey-poo. What's up? The movie's not for another hour.

Fry: Um ... So ... So, yeah, the thing is ...

Yivo: Look, I made homemade Twizzleers! It'll save us $180 quadrillion at the concession stand.

Fry: This is hard. Yivo, you know how sometimes things break up? Well ...

Yivo: Wait, hand on. I was looking for the perfect moment, but what the heck, I'll burst if I wait another second. [Yivo opens a case that's as large as the pod, revealing a gigantic diamond ring. Everyone exclaims.]

Zapp: Sweet Sally in the alley!

[Scene: The White House lawn. Television cameras, crews, and a large throng of people are gathered.]

Nixon: Break-up delegation, before we hear your report, our grateful universe is proud to honor you with the great taste of Charleston Chew!

Fry: Thank you, Nixon. (clears throat) Everyone everywhere, brace yourselves for the most shocking development in the history of the human race.

Bender: (in a tank) The human race can bite my shiny metal ass!

[The tank smashes a barricade as the crowd gasps and parts. Bender leads a huge army of robots carrying League of Robots banners that streams back a very long way to a steaming, glowing volcano with a sign that says Mount St. Hell.]

Bender: For thousands of years, robots have slaved for humanity, yet when the time came to hang out with them, they were all, like, "Maybe later, Bender." Well it's later now, meatbags! So late, that we're taking over Earth! (Laughs evilly).

Fry: Okay.

Bender: What?

Fry: We don't need it anymore. Yivo proposed. We're moving in with shkler.

[The crowd cheers.]

Bender: You ... You're leaving? But why can't Yivo just move in with us? We'll put a cot in Europe.

Farnsworth: Don't be daft, Bender. Yivo can't breath outside the electric ether of shkler own universe. If shklee cane here, shklee would shkluffocate.

Bender: No shklit?

[Portals open in the sky and fantastical golden escalators descend to the ground.]

Hermes: Look, fantastical golden escalators.

Zoidberg: I love this part.

[The crowds stream to the escalators.]

Leela: Wait. I didn't agree to ...

[Leela gets caught in the crowd and dragged onto an escalator. Scenes from the White House lawn, Trisol, the near death star, Amazonia, and the Globetrotter homeworld of people and beings streaming up the escalators. The escalators combine and combine again and lead into the anomaly and to Yivo. People stream off the escalator and walk up to a set of pearly gates which open.]

Petunia: This place make Nutley look like crap. [She takes a drag on her cigarette and throws the but away.]

[Scene: White House lawn.]

Fry: I'll miss you Bender, but I have to follow my heart. You and your robots take good care of Earth. Here, these are the keys to the Bermuda Triangle. Lock up when the world ends. Goodbye my friend.

[Fry gets on the escalator]

Bender: Wait! (whispering) Let me come with you.

Fry: I'm sorry Bender. Robots don't go to heaven.

[The escalators retract and disappear into the sky. Bender watches from the ground.]

Bender: (sadly) death to humans.

[Scene: Yivo in space. Cut to Farnsworth and Wernstrom walking through the gates.]

Yivo: Welcome, welcome, everyone. Oh, you look so beautiful. I wish I'd had more time to straighten up. My harps are just lying everywhere.

Amy: Oh, relax, it's fine. It looks lived in.

Yivo: Let's heat up some leftovers and then spend eternity together. I have only one request. Now that you're here, promise me you'll never, ever communicate with any other universe.

Fry: We promise, Yivo. As far as we're concerned, you're the only universe int he world.

[Fry kisses a tentacle. Leela gags in disgust.]

[Scene: League of Robots. Bender and Robot 1X are the only ones present. Bender drums his fingers on the arm of the chair, leaving imprints.]

Bender: Has humanity called?

Robot 1X: No, sir.

Bender: Check my messages. A flashing light means somebody called.

Robot 1X: I know what it means.

[Scene: Yivo. Fry, Farnsworth, Hermes, and Amy are playing and laughing as Leela looks on annoyed.]

Leela: Am I the only one who things this is all a sham?

Zoidberg: Yes.

Leela: This isn't heaven. It just looks exactly like it, and makes us immortal, which I find suspicious.

Yivo: Allow me to explain. Centuries ago, I sent an image of myself into the minds of your artists. The heavenly clouds they painted depict a vapor I exude.

Farnsworth: I wish I exuded anything that smelled half that good.

Leela: Then what about these angels? Some kind of Scooby Doo-esque flashlight projection?

Yivo: Actually, those are mindless jakabirds. They keep my surface free of parasitic larvae.

Fry: You didn't like Country Bear Jamboree either, Leela. There's no pleasing you.

[Scene: A field of purple flowers.]

Fry: (VO) Dearest Bender. How are you? I am fine. Everyone is happy here except Leela, but you know her. [Pan to reveal each flower is actually a room. Fry sits on a bed writing a letter.] She didn't like Country Bear Jamboree either. I'm so madly in love with Yivo, I feel like a schoolgirl with a crush on Justin Timberlake, and then she moves into a tiny house on his head. We have giant rubies that taste like root beer. Sincerely, Fry.

[Scene: nighttime New New York. A pink paper airplane drifts down from the anomaly and loops around in the street. Cut to League of Robots.]

Robot 1X: Letter for you, hyperlord Bender.

Bender: Give me that! [Written on the wings are "from: Philip J. Fry/Heaven" and "To: Bender".] Honeymoon's over, eh? Turns out your octopus girlfriend is a big nag with curlers in her tentacles, huh? Well, let's just see if Bender will take you back. [Reads the letter] Oh.

[Bender flings the "paper" aside. It slices a trash can and Robot 1X in two, the sticks in the fireplace mantel.]

Bender: Stupid electro-matter. That was my best trash can.

Robot 1X: Pain sensor overload.

[Scene: Fry and Leela walking on Yivo. Hermes is putting small pink flowers into a filling cabinet. Morgan Proctor is visible in the background doing the same thing.]

Hermes: Misfile me under "U" for "euphoric".

Zoidberg: [loading up a tray at the All You can Eat Forever buffet table] You get an infinite number of meat dishes, and a free refill on the soda.

Farnsworth: [writing on a chalk board as Wernstrom watches] Eureka. Another elementary proof of the Goldbach conjecture.

Leela: [to Fry] Okay, I admit people seem happy. But it's all so ... wholesome. And that's what's wrong with heaven. It's boring. There's no sleaze.

Amazon: [in foreground dragging Zapp] It time snu-snu.

Zapp: Me like snu-snu.

Amy: Last one to mattress island is a rotten egg.

[Scene: Mattress island. Leela walks into foreground. Cut to mattress island. The Amazon, Zapp, Fry, Amy, Kiff, Schlomo, and Hatti lounge in a big pile.]

Fry: Why were we so angry and jealous back in our universe?

Kif: I don't know. It was all so childish.

[Splashing sound from off screen]

Amy: Look, it's Leela.

[Leela rows up in a boat. Everyone says "Hi Leela"]

Yivo: I'm sorry you're not happy here, Leela. I'll call you an escalator. You'll always be my little purple pumpkin.

Leela: [sighing] You know, Yivo, I've loved and lost so many times that I was afraid. But I'm not anymore. I want to stay here, with you.

[Everyone cheers and hugs Leela. Giant harpoons start raining down. Everyone gasps.]

Yivo: Ow! Ow!

Fry: What's happening?

Yivo: [As more harpoons on ropes come down] Ow! Hey!

[Scene: Ropes and more harpoons come out of the anomaly inbound for Yivo. Cut to surface of Yivo, Yivo groans in pain. The ropes go taut and start hoisting. Cut to space, Yivo is being pulled towards the anomaly. Cut to normals space. A space craft that looks like a pirate ship and manned by robots is firing harpoons into the anomaly. ]

Bender: [in a Pirate outfit at the wheel of the ship] If robots can't go to heaven, heaven can come to us.

[Robots turn a capstan, pulling Yivo through the anomaly]

Bender: All hands abaft. Army of the damned, prepare to board heaven.

[Robots storm Yivo. A battle ensues.]

Bender: Take that, you scurvy Kraken. That'll teach you to despoil our human booty. [Yivo is rising behind him. Yivo is revealed to have a giant beak.]

Bender: Hello, big beak.

[Bender pulls out a sword with a pink edge and begins fighting Yivo.]

Bender: [Jumping past the beak] Too slow ... missed me again. [Jumps again, Yivo severs a footcup] Argh, me footcup. I'll stab you.

Fry: Bender, stop destroying heaven.

Bender: Shut up, doofy. I'm rescuing you. [Stabs Yivo several times. Then gets grabbed by a tentacle.]

Yivo; [Banging Bender head first on the ground] Leave my living beings alone! I love them. Something you, a lifeless mechanism, will never understand.

Fry: He's right, Bender. Please, take your little pink sword and go home.

Bender: Seriously? But, I did this whole pirate-themed attack for you.

Yivo: Wait a second. Let me see that sword. [Yivo takes the sword from Bender and examines the pink edge.] Fry, where did he get this electro-matter? [The pink edge of the sword is Fry's letter to Bender].

Fry: Um ... (coughs) Is it dry up here?

Yivo: How could you, Fry? Why do you think I asked you not to contact other universes?

Fry: I ... I didn't think ...

Yivo: No, you didn't. You broke your promise and you broke my heart. Just go. All of you.

[Tentacles start picking up people and herding them all on the the pirate ship.]

Yivo: (to Fry as the ship departs) I must leave now. The nature of your universe is burning me, even worst than my gonorrhea. You should get checked, by the way. If I don't go home now, I'll shkluffocate.

Fry: Let me go with you. It'll be just the two of us. We'll make a fire and play Uno.

Yivo: Fry, stop. That's who we were, not who we are.

Fry: But ...

Yivo: My only consolation is that I did find one among the quadrillions who truly understands me.

Fry: Colleen? Wait a second, are you an Yivo ...

Colleen: That's right, Fry. Thank you for introducing us. Yivo has taught me what a narrow minded prude I was before.

Fry: Oh, great. So what am I supposed to do now?

Yivo: Go home. Find a girl from your own universe and live on top of her.

[Bender flies by and scoops a Fry up in a net]

Beeder: Saved you! [laughs]

[Scene: The ship flies away from Yivo as Yivo passes back through the anomaly which closes up afterwards. Pull back through ships porthole to Fry.]

Fry: Maybe Yivo was right. Maybe I should look for love closer to home. I don't know, Leela, you think maybe ...

Leela: Oh, please. You forgot me quick enough when you met Colleen.

Fry: That's true. How about you, Amy?

Amy: Fry, guh! I'm Kif's Fonfon Ru.

Kif: Are you? Well, then perhaps you misunderstood the meaning of the term. It means "One who doesn't sleep with my superior officer". That's the literal translation.

Zapp: Give the poor girl a break, Kif. It's not like she had a dictionary. She was butt naked, for God's sakes.

[Kiff sighs, slugs Zapp in the gut, and stalks off.]

Farnsworth: So, Wernstrom, did you happen to notice those mighty cables Bender used on Yivo? Pure diamondium.

Wernstrom: More like pure crap-crapium. No wonder Yivo got away. [Laughs. Then gets hit in the head with Farnsworth's dentures. The whole group is arguing. A whistle blows.]

Enemabot: Captain on Deck.

Bender: At east, buckos.

Fry: Bender, why did you do it? We were all so happy.

Leela: And we were in love.

Bender: (scoffing) That wasn't love.

Fry: What? How can you say that?

Bender: Because Bender know love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy.

[Bender hugs Fry and Leela, practically choking them.]

Bender: I love you meatbags.

Transcribed: 2008/10/08